Divorce, Fool Style
February 18, 1998
1) The three steps in equitable distribution of assets are identification, valuation, and...
2) Statistically speaking, the chances of your marriage surviving are:
1. About the same as a snowball in Hell
2. Slightly better than winning the New Jersey Lottery
4. 3 out of 4
5. 9 out of 10
3) According to Dr. Lois Nightingale, one way you might try to rekindle the romance with your mate is:
1. Watching old reruns of Lost In Space
2. Write a paragraph recalling the events, things you noticed and the way you felt when the two of you first met. Leave it on his/her mirror, car seat or pillow.
3. Buff his/her mirror with an undergarment
4. Learn to play the violin
5. Tell him/her about all of your previous relationships, for old time's sake.
4) A document drawn up by the family, laying out goals and responsibilities, is called a:
2. Decision matrix
3. Family contract
4. Prenuptial agreement
5. Nonbinding rent-controlled liturgy
5) The country with the highest divorce rate is:
1. The U.S.
6) Garnishment is:
2. Withholding wages
3. A Hindu practice of begging for forgiveness
4. Generally accomplished with leather
5. A meeting of lawyers
7) Abandonment is considered to occur when one spouse leaves the marital home without...
1. Aunt Jemima's pancakes
2. Credit cards
3. The spouse's consent
5. A song in his or her heart
8) Parens Patriae is a doctrine in which:
1. The Old Country is remembered
2. The parents are sent back to the country from which they came
3. The state takes jurisdiction over a minor
4. Latin is taught in Junior High
5. Small organs in the human brain band together to form the amygdala
9) A postnuptial agreement
1) Doesn't exist
2) States present and future rights in light of an impending divorce
3) Is only valid at a former spouse's moment of remarriage
4) Lays out who gets the bedposts
5) Is only available to postal workers
10) A Pro Se divorce is one in which
1) Andre Agassi delivers the finer points of the American Twist serve
2) The spouses knew each other for a long time before marriage
3) The spouses represent themselves rather than hiring attorneys
4) There is a Quid Pro Quo
5) No children are involved
* * *
1) The third part of equitable distribution is distribution. The court figures out what things there are, then what they're worth, and then who should get them. "Peregrination" is another word for "wandering," while "salutation" means "greeting." Divvying up the loot is far more focused and curt than either of these.
2) Your marriage has about a 50-50 chance of surviving. Of course, it may be higher than that because, after all, you're already reading the Motley Fool. 9 out of 10 dentists interviewed claimed that reading the Motley Fool not only prevented tooth decay, it had a profound healing and cementing effect on marriages and dentures.
3) Recall the thrill of that first meeting. The passion. The expectation. The nervousness. The time the ice cube fell into the cuff of your pant leg, and how you both howled over it so hard that you soiled yourself. That'll rekindle the flame.
4) A document drawn up by the family is called a family contract. Generally, the prenuptial agreement is put together by the marrying parties. In many cases, of course, the children can't take part in it -- they haven't been born yet. Still, the idea of a family contract is a good one, as it lays out expectations and goals. We can all relate to the feeling of wanting to put out a contract on a family member.
5) The U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world. Marzipan is not a country. You were probably thinking of Zanzibar.
6) Garnishment is a support enforcement technique in which the support payment is automatically deducted from the supporter's paycheck and given to the spouse. It's a way of ensuring that the payments will be made.
7) Abandonment occurs when one spouse leaves the home without consent. Presumably a reasonable amount of time must elapse before a home departure falls into this category; sneaking out to watch the Super Bowl at the neighbor's house would probably not qualify. Abandonment is, however, considered grounds for divorce in some states.
8) Parens Patriae is a doctrine whereby the state takes jurisdiction over a minor living inside its borders. This is how states decide which one of them will assume jurisdiction in a child-custody case.
9) A postnuptial agreement is a written contract between husband and wife which lays out their present and future rights in light of their impending divorce.
10) In a Pro Se divorce, each spouse represents himself or herself in court without an attorney. Each spouse is entitled to a trainer, a water bucket, a bailiff to assist in lacing on the gloves, and a mouth guard.
-- David Wolpe (TMF Dbunk)