By Andrew Marlat
August 22, 2000

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Lucent Technologies today announced it has ended its search for a new chief operating officer with the surprise hiring of Gerbil_Dude_78, a frequent poster on various Lucent stock message boards. "We interviewed about 20 people for the job, most of them from major corporations, but Gerbil_Dude stood out," said Lucent CEO Richard McGinn.

As an example, McGinn cited the sharp contrast between Gerbil_Dude and another prospective hire, the CFO of a Fortune 500 company. "When we asked this CFO about working for Lucent, she said she would be 'honored to join such a progressive company' and 'looked forward to the challenge.' Yawn. But Gerbil_Dude's response -- 'This stock will be $100+ by end of month! Shorts cover your a***s!' -- was much more spirited."

In a brief statement, Gerbil_Dude said he heard Lucent was a major takeover target, and added he would be loading up on the stock in the morning.

Copyright 2000, SatireWire (www.satirewire.com) All rights reserved.

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