By Todd Etter (TMF Knave)
August 29, 2000

Several top executives of Internet music-trading service Napster are being investigated for their involvement in a recent break-in of a Wal-Mart store in Saginaw, Michigan. According to Sheriff Don Cordle, at two in the morning, four teenagers dressed in black were apprehended in the store's CD and Tape Department by a night watchman. The police believe that the teenagers were being assisted by Napster. Cordle indicated that the four boys were caught with a duffel bag of over 200 CDs and 350 cassette tapes. Along with the stolen merchandise authorities found a floor plan map of the store along with the access codes to the back door, both written on Napster letterhead. Attached to the map was a brief letter, which said "From the folks at Napster, we wish you good luck in whatever you may be doing once you're inside the store."

After the arrests, the police quickly conducted a search of the Westwood Plaza parking lot, during which they spotted three white vans sporting the Napster logo. When police stormed the vans, they discovered 15 Napster employees using extensive surveillance equipment, walkie-talkies, scanning devices and GPS locators.

Among the employees were Glenn Walters, Vice President of Acquisitions and Benjamin Buster, newly appointed Director of Napster Offline. Buster argued the company's innocence, saying, "This is laughable. We're nothing more than a tool to help consumers find great music. Think of us as a scalable peer-to-peer acquisition solution." said Buster.

The robbery marks the fifteenth time in just over two weeks that a Wal-Mart Music Department has been robbed. But only recently has Napster been linked to the incidents.

When pressed about the robberies, Buster added, "Hey, I'm not denying that we cut the power to the surveillance lights, provided access codes to the doors, and disabled the security guards with tranquilizer darts, but that's all we did. After that, the kids must have taken matters into their own hands. At Napster we promote community-wide sharing of ideas. If someone wants to abuse that technology, it's their choice, not ours."

The assistant director finished by saying, "We don't touch the music."

Glenda Cummings, Director of Napster Media Relations was quick to defend her company. "If you want to point a finger, don't point it at the company that parachute-dropped them over the fences and supplied them with throwing stars, wire cutters, and infrared goggles. Point a finger at their parents. In the end, it always comes down to bad parenting, doesn't it?" said Cummings.

One of teenagers in custody spoke in Napster's defense, saying, "Napster rules!" Another apprehended boy said, "People in the music industry are so stupid and naive. We were going to pay for the CDs that we liked and return the others."

And according to the police, Napster Offline may involve more than just the Wal-Mart robberies. The company has also been accused of printing counterfeit tickets to major rock concerts.

Responding to the additional charges, Buster chuckled, "We're not printing tickets. All Napster provides is the perforated watermark paper and a graphic template. Our service is for people who couldn't go to the concert but wanted to print out a commemorative ticket."

In order to diversify revenues even more, Napster also recently debuted Napster Auctions, where one can buy such hard-to-find items like Lars Ulrich's coffee maker, Bono's welcome mat, and a memo from Elvis Costello to Columbia Records requesting additional studio time. "I envision a future in which consumers can get anything they want. Anything," said Buster.

"We always suspected Napster was up to something," said Sheriff Cordle. "Last month, we had enrolled an undercover officer in a Napster 'Music Appreciation Seminar.' Topics of the seminar included sessions such as 'How To Keep Your Body Heat at a Constant Level,' 'Fashion Trends: Black is Back,' 'Breaking a Neck in Three Easy Steps,' and 'How to Shimmy Down a Wall Like a Silverfish.'"

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