Post of the Day
April 26, 1999

From our
Pfizer Folder

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Subject: Fun Da Mentals Class III
Author: nelis

And now for something completely different...

If you look at Pfizer's fibonacci numbers, and apply a canonical correlation analysis with respect to it's transient chaotic strange attractor, it is easy to deduce that the future sales of Pfizer are directly related to the amount customers buy. After 500 pages of analysis and 201 charts, I get an R3 of 99.8%. (note: R3 is one R better than R2 - cuz I got three of them - and three of a kind always beats a pair). From this, one can see that Pfizers long, long, long term stock price must be $35/share ($105/3 - pre/post split, who cares). Thus, sell now because tomorrow it will be at $35. If you can't see this your all stupid heads. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Now, I have back dated this simple elementary predictive system over 200 years and have found out that I have been right many a time. And since this back-dated system has worked SO well at predicting past events (in fact this simple model predicted the Second World War, the sinking of the Titanic, and plastic), it is easy to see how it's future predictions will be 99.8% correct with respect to Pfizer's share price yesterday and tomorrow *. For those who don't understand this very simple fact, I suggest picking up a copy of "History For Dummies". It will clearly show that the Second World War was an event in the past (19 something I think).

*Please note that these predictions consider all things equal. Which is obvious even to plankton cuz in the last 200 years, nothing has changed really.

Now some people may argue that my statistics are flawed because I have failed to generalize to the population I sampled from. For those people I suggest you quit being an infant and grow up! Right now! I have no time for nay-sayers as I continue to achieve my goal of getting my G3C (grade-3 certificate). Because I can predict the future so well, I have amassed a personal fortune of well over 2.4 Trillion dollars and I see no reason why I should spend my time explaining my statistical procedures to people who have brains the size of a weasel's wedding tassle (Yup, I stole that line - 2 points if ya can figure out where).

Lastly, as far as I am concerned, Warren Buffet was just a fluke. His humility is there because he hasn't amassed 3.2 Trillion dollars like I have. When he reaches the 4.6 Trillion dollars I have, I will consider him my equal and may treat him like a human being with respect and dignity (but why bother). I was asked to join this board in order to bring intelligent conversation to an otherwise dumb bunch of people. It's not my fault you monkeys don't understand it. I suggest you sell everything now (including your Pfizer) and give it to the MBA's (I mean Fund Managers). They will systematically underperform the market for you and help you to understand how easy it is to do worse than the indices. Which they can predict with only a 91% accuracy!

I hope that this message add's levity to your otherwise boring and miserable existence :)

Fool on!