<COMMUNITY>
Post of the Day
August 2, 1999

From our
Hype, Hysteria, & Runkle Folder

Posts selected for this feature rarely stand alone. They are usually a part of an ongoing thread, and are out of context when presented here. The material should be read in that light.


Subject:

BUY, SELL, HOLD or JUMP

Author: Raggmopp

[Satire]

BUY, SELL, HOLD, or JUMP?
Volume: 2A Issue: 11
An Official Publication of Hype and Hysteria Investment Advisors A.M.
Subscription: 20,000 USD, 50,000 EUR, or 18,802.5 BHD

Currency of the Day
Today's currency is the Bahraini Dinar (BHD).

De Pain, De Pain
Well, gentle readers, it certainly looks like IF is about to get the reward he so richly deserves. The conversion from International P*p** Terrorist to member in good standing (although standing may not be an option for quite some time) of H & H Investment Advisors A.M. should be an interesting one. Remember, in the lunchroom no one can hear you scream.

Another Bold, New, Proprietary Indicator is Launched
The Torino Scale (a newly approved measurement of the effect an asteroid impacting the earth would have) was immediately put into use last week when it was discovered that the world would be ending on a day with an 11 in it (it was a weird post anyway). Needless to say your senior staff leapt at the chance to throw another esoteric and convoluted indicator into the mix in order to "make the numbers work" when necessary. It's kinda like your elected official's pay raise thingie only it's gonna be used by me and the BCF to compute our next bonus package (he he he).

JuliaGoolia Returns
Freshly back from a mission so secret not even she remembers the details our own �ahem� JuliaGoolia has returned to the ranks of the Hysterians. We are cataclysmicly delighted. Oh rapture, oh joy, oh boy, oh boy. Hey everybody, Julia's back. All together now: "So?"

Mission Statement
� This seems as good a time as any to review the History and Mission of H & H Investment Advisors A.M. (Amazonian Matriarchate.) It seems that our landlords are at odds as to whether we are animal, vegetable or mineral and have expressed some concern while in hob-nobing at various and sundry Wizardly gatherings.
� We are waifs and refugee's fleeing the tyranny of the Dreaded Banter Police� who were in hot pursuit of our rag-tag band of merry funsters on the Coca-Cola Board. Having started as a thread that quickly became an insurrection against the blandishments of the "Wise", their minions and goo-roos, we found this burned out Board that had been used by the "Gummint" for atomic testing in the 50's and took up residence. Though it was officially listed as a self-illuminating, glass-paved parking lot it served us well to get started. It was not the good and kind people of the KO board that caused our flight, but the jack-booted, kitten stomping thugs represented by the DBP. Our parting words to the KO board are as true today as they were back then. "Buy KO around 57 or so."
� Half starved and nearly destitute (that's with a D, pervert) from our ordeal we founded the Advisory with nothing but a few shoeboxes of cash, small bills (c$b) that some of us managed to retain during the flight from home. Huddled over a small, sad fire on the beach we individually vowed that "The Needs of The Customers Are Just That" and set about our divinely inspired mission. Through the use of various and sundry proprietary indicators and arcane mathematical formulae we have managed to charge rapacious fees for advice that consistently does but one thing, generate more fees, just like other "WISE" financial advisors. The rest, as they say, is history.
� Through the efforts of the founders and those who have passed here on their way up (we hope to see them again on their way down) we have transformed this board into the lush tropical financial paradise that it is today. It remains an idyllic isle of peace and tranquility in an otherwise hostile and cruel sea of roiling waters. A place of gentility and good humor (we are partial to those good humor's with the nuts on 'em) where all "pokes" are made humorously and lapses quickly forgiven and forgotten. Where the law of the land has been refined to this: "If it moves, make fun of it; if it don't move, tease it; if you can't eat it, drink it, love it or spend it, to heck with it."
� To The Motley Fools: We are the Hysterians, quick, sharp-witted, creative, fun-loving Consorts to and/or Mistresses of, The Universe. And while we may be the fly in your soup, we will never be the poop in your punch bowl.

Ask the General

Dear General: My sister's boyfriend (well one of em anyway) is alleged to be the alcoholic immigrant who shot up the day care center full of politician's children with a combat clip of Teflon coated bullets in a fully automatic assault rifle he got from a Chinese gun show. What do I do now?

Concerned Brother

Dear Brother,
You have not advised the General of the most important fact: does the boyfriend have sufficient funds to hire a lawyer, or is he going to get the "extra crispy" setting on "old sparky" the electric chair?
Remember: guns don't kill people -- people, who do not have enough money to hire a lawyer, kill people.
Regards,
THF Shyster/ General Factotum

The Construction Report
Well, things are about to be wrapped up on the Ol' Ninja Isle� and just as soon as the final inspections are done, buildings will be ready for occupancy. We suspect that when the final certifications are supposed to be signed off the BCF will come up with another fool Fool task that keeps him from it. Taking out the garbage, maybe? Hmmmmmm?

Job Openings at H & H Investment Advisors A.M.
Join the Navy and see the world. Join us and see what makes the world go 'round. No, silly, MONEY! Actually, you can go see the "Little Sisters" and have them take you arou�no, never mind.

So concludes this issue of BUY, SELL, HOLD, or JUMP? The opinions expressed herein are those of the Chairman and Chief Vaticinating Officer, and are generally meaningless. It does not reflect the opinion of the Motley Fool or any other responsible organization, rational person, or entity. The legal "opinions" of "The General" are the lunatic rantings of a demented mind. We are not even certain he is a lawyer. The opinions should not be viewed as a substitute for you paying huge fees (c$b) to a lawyer who is then ethically obligated (ha Ha HA!) to have your best interests in mind.

Thankyouverymuchhaveaniceday