By Todd Etter (TMF Knave)
May 9, 2000

Following the recent frenzy to claim and register URL names, Internet company Network Solutions announced today that the Internet is virtually out of available URLs. Vice-President of Site Registration Peter Norberth commented, "This comes as quite a shock to all of us. I knew that all the really good URLs were taken, but I never imagined it was this bad."

According to Norberth, repeated complaints from frustrated URL applicants prompted an official inquiry into how many URLs were actually still available. After an extensive search the company discovered that only five remained. They are

www.GrannySmellBad.com

www.12X23R-R7A.com

www.ButterButterButterButterFrog.com

www.VikingsWhoLikeLindaRonstadt.com

www.ArmpitPachinko.com

The implications of the report are devastating for would-be entrepreneurs who were perhaps a little too slow in acquiring a URL for their future or present businesses. For example, Viking Technologies, a company who has yet to move onto the Web is now left with few options. Company president Jason Spiedel was obviously distraught. "I guess we'll have to make a play for the Linda Ronstadt one," said Spiedel.

Other executives consider themselves extremely lucky. Sally Loemann, owner of New England Fruit Orchards (www.WeinbergPlumbing.com) is extremely relieved. "I'm glad I had the foresight to register our URL a couple of weeks ago. I'd hate to be stuck with one of those remaining five. Or God forbid, be shut out entirely."

The same goes for Benjamin Portner, CEO of Micron USA, Inc. (www.SpankyBigManYodelYodel.com), a software developer who chose to buy their Web address from a "URL squatter," a person who makes a living registering thousands of URLs and then selling them to the highest bidder. "We paid $500,000 to get our URL, but considering the situation, I think it was a smart move," commented Portner.

The movie industry has also been adversely affected by the recent paucity of URLs. Michael Fullmer, executive producer of an upcoming action-thriller starring Nicholas Cage, John Malkovich, and Rae Dawn Chong said, "The planned title of our movie was The Final Day but we couldn't get any URL that made sense. TheFinalDay.com, TheFinalDayMovie.com, and even LeDernierJour.com were all taken. So, instead we've decided to change the title of our film to Granny Smell Bad."

After the final five URLs are taken, Network Solutions will be faced with the problem of generating revenue without any available URLs to sell. "It's going to be tough, but we've got some ideas," said Norberth. "We're going to advocate adding a 27th letter to the alphabet. That should solve all our problems for a while. The letter we have in mind looks like a G, but it's got little ears and a tail. It'll be pronounced 'glick.'"

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