By Todd Etter (TMF Knave)
May 17, 2000

Soft-drink company Pepsi-Cola announced today its plans to advertise directly onto the human genome -- the genetic instructions that determine a person's hair color, size, facial features, and all other individual traits.

According to the company, Pepsi will be inserting advertising slogans into people's DNA, literally changing their genetic code. The code, which contains 3 billion separate "letters," will be altered in such a way to spell out slogans such as "Drink Pepsi," "Pepsi: the Building Block of Life," and "Pepsi: The Choice of Your New Generations."

The campaign marks the first time in history that a corporation has placed advertising inside of a human being.

"When I saw all the media coverage that genetics was receiving, I knew that Pepsi had to tap into this hot new fad," said Gary Rodkin, CEO of Pepsi-Cola North America. "We want people to think of Pepsi as being everywhere. Even inside of people."

Despite the fact that DNA is microscopic -- a single strand is only 50 trillionths of an inch wide -- Pepsi is confident that when the human genome is finally mapped that the ads will be seen by millions. The soft-drink company has already advertised in the sample DNA used by the Human Genome Project and other private efforts.

To generate a wider market reach, Pepsi also plans to alter the genes of people involved in paternity lawsuits or criminal trials, because those individuals are more likely to have their DNA released to the public. "We already have several deals lined up with the NBA," commented Rodkin.

In a nutshell, "DNA advertising" involves altering four different nitrogen bases: adenine, cytosine, guanine, and thymine (commonly designated by their first letters A, C, G, and T). By using a device called a "gene shotgun," Pepsi can replace a person's nitrogen bases with compounds that are much more language-friendly. These bases create long chains of amino acids, or what the company calls "polypepsies."

"With our new bases such as silicone, estrogen, and nutmeg, we can form almost any sentence," said Larry Billings, Vice-President of Marketing. "It's our most ground-breaking development since Crystal Pepsi."

"But is it safe?" ask scientists across America.

Ronald Bowman certainly doesn't think so. During a recent Pepsi contest, Bowman's DNA was changed to spell "Congratulations! You're the Lucky Winner of a Pepsi Fanny Pak. To claim your prize visit www.pepsi.com." He now suffers from constant head pain, has bleeding in his right eye, and recently discovered a small mold growing on the backs of his knees. "I got $5 million, but I'm beginning to regret my decision. My newborn son has antlers," stated Bowman.

In fact, most of the subjects of Pepsi's campaign have experienced similar side effects: arms growing out of their legs, ten-inch toes, and a condition known as "roaming face syndrome." Pepsi is dismissing the incidents as a complete coincidence. "I mean, what about that Elephant Man guy?" remarked Rodkin. "We didn't mess with him, and he turned out to be a freak."

If successful, Pepsi plans to advertise in even lower-trafficked areas such as deep space, under the ocean, and Major League Soccer.

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