Thursday, August 5, 1999

Fund Slogans We'd Like To See

by TMF Master and TMF 2Aruba

"We're there when you need us, for a mere 3.5% in 12b-1 and management fees."

"Sure you could do this yourself, but then who would you have to blame if something went wrong?"

"What goes up must come down."

"Front load? Back load? With us, it makes no difference. We can swing either way."

"Lynch? We don't need no stinkin' Lynch."

"We are full of the bull."

"We'll beat the S&P 500, the S&P 501... whatever it takes."

"Our stock prices are so low they're insane!!!"

"We've got a nice back-end load for you."

"We try our best to make your money work for us... errr... you."

"We cater to the serious investor. If you're doing this for a laugh, you'll need to call someone else."

"We're not pros, but we play them on TV."

"We lose money so you don't have to."

"We're professional investors because we use real money, unlike those amateur investors."

"One stop shopping for all your Schedule D tax break needs."

"We invest in so many things, it's almost guaranteed that some will do well."

"Sure our fees are high, but we don't let just anyone invest with us."

"When you feel like panicking, we'll listen."

"At our firm, your dollars make cents."

"We call 'em 'd's' because investing is serious, and we take the 'fun' out of 'fund'."

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