Thursday, September 9, 1999

My Y2K Predictions


It's nearing the turn of the century and Y2K extremists are busily hoarding canned goods in their basements and underground shelters for the imminent fires and floods on January 1, 2000.

I predict that in October '99, it will be a slow news month, with fewer than usual mass shootings by day traders or troubled teens, and CNN will do a big story on hoarding food, food shortages, money shortages, gas shortages, water shortages, all due to the turn of the century. Time magazine will follow with its own story, as will the The New York Times. The nation will be tuned in, and the worrying will begin.

Starting in mid-November, a few wealthy worriers will begin pulling their money out of the stock market. They'll cash in their life savings and hide the money in their freezers. There will be a great and sudden demand for home safe deposit boxes and guns. Breaking news each day will be how many billions of dollars was pulled out of the market the previous day. Every 24 hours, the numbers increase. By the end of November, 38% of investors have pulled out all of their money. Home burglaries increase tenfold. Burglars are making off with hundreds of thousands by simply flipping over mattresses and raiding freezers. By early December, large promising companies are failing due to the huge losses. CEO suicides are rampant.

Nearing the end of December, not only the stock market, but the entire country has crashed. People are murdering for food and looting. People are staying home from work to guard their money. The end is near.

On December 31, 1999, at the stroke of midnight, the country breathes a sigh of relief as they realize there will be no fires and floods, no second coming. The rebuilding begins. On January 2, 2000, I retrieve my $50K from the bottom of the kitty litter box and invest it all in Home Depot. By June of 2000, I'm filthy rich and can retire at 36. I'm no fool.

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