Thursday, September 23, 1999

Quantum Physics Investing


I invested in Microsoft, Dell, America Online, EMC, and Cisco at their IPOs.

How did I manage to make such astute investment decisions? Quantum physics, of course. For those who have been skipping their neighborhood quanta club meetings, allow me to explain:

According to a theory put forth by a number of physicists, there are infinite universes, each one a tiny bit different from the next. In one of these universes, for example, everything is exactly the same as in this one, except I never bought ebay last April at $216 a share. (I like that particular universe; I hope to visit it some day.)

It follows then that there is a universe in which I have made the perfect investment decisions all my life. I have bought the best performing stocks in history; I have (foolishly) timed the market with 100% efficiency; I have hired Warren Buffett to work as my intern. (Of course, there is also a universe where I put my life savings into Planet Hollywood and Hector's 8-Track Tape Emporium, but I digress.)

Thanks to the science of really small things, I no longer worry about my investments; I am secure in the knowledge that somewhere there's a universe where I have the ultimate portfolio. And anyway, I'm more interested in the universe in which I can hit a three-wood and I just finished writing a little play called Hamlet.

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