Pros and Cons of the Top 20 Rejected Treasury Candidates

We've dipped into the Fool Archives to look back at a few of the candidates who are probably thankful they didn't get selected to preside as U.S. Treasury Secretary during the past 12 eventful months. Here's a look at what the runners-up could have brought to the job.

Robert Rubin

• Pros: Consummate Wall Street pro; successful stint as Treasury secretary under Bill Clinton.
• Cons: Status as former Citigroup (NYSE: C  ) director and senior counselor no longer seems like a big plus.

Paul Volcker

• Pros: Experienced; brilliant; known and revered throughout the power corridors of both Washington, D.C. and New York.
• Cons: According to most actuarial tables, is already dead; at 6' 7'', 200+ pounds, may accidentally ingest Robert Reich.

Larry Summers

• Pros: Previous direct-on-the-job experience; has handled global financial crises already.
• Cons: Daughter Suzanne often gets into trouble with landlords Farley and Roper; ensuing zany cover-ups may involve father.

Cap'n Jack Sparrow

• Pros: Good with treasure, which is close enough to being good with Treasury; no other pirates in the Cabinet.
• Cons: Drunken, slurred insistence to "keep to the Code" not likely to impress at Congressional hearings.

Gov. Jon Corzine

• Pros: Has legally mandated former-CEO-of-Goldman-Sachs (NYSE: GS  ) background.
• Cons: Physically indistinguishable from Ben Bernanke, as all bald-headed men with gray beards look identical during a financial crisis.

Pegasus the Rainbow Unicorn

• Pros: Magical; beautiful, multicolored mane of silky hair; able to singlehandedly gore Wall Street wrongdoers.
• Cons: Televised disemboweling of Wall Streeters likely to scare main constituency of five-year-old girls.

Mark Cuban

• Pros: Savvy businessman; successful innovator. Propensity for wearing T-shirts in public would bring much-needed wardrobe diversity to buttoned-up Washington scene.
• Cons: Has been investigated by the SEC before; appeared on Dancing With the Stars.

Paul McCartney

• Pros: Able and willing to work eight days a week; takes a sad song and makes it better.
• Cons: Avowed motto to "Live and Let Die" ensures no bailouts for any industry whatsoever.

Donald Trump

• Pros: Knows how to fire people; highly experienced with bankruptcies in real estate, hotels, casinos, and airlines.
• Cons: Has no demonstrated ability to prevent bankruptcies of any public company he comes in contact with.

Jim Cramer

• Pros: Seasoned Wall Street pro; lawyer; already Treasury secretary of Cramerica, the Bizarro United States.
• Cons: Ties to law school classmate Eliot Spitzer could lead to hilarious but disruptive series of jokes at confirmation hearings.

Mick Jagger

• Pros: Well versed in giving and providing shelter.
• Cons: Insistence on telling investors they can't always get what they want not in keeping with Obama "Hope" mantra.

Zombie John Kenneth Galbraith

• Pros: Knows about the Depression; fine economist. Two-time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
• Cons: Secret Service unlikely to allow him within 100 yards of the president because of his constant hunger for human flesh. Canadian.

Ross Perot

• Pros: Conversant about national debt levels; has premade pie charts.
• Cons: Elves not constitutionally allowed to serve as U.S. Treasury secretary.

Dolly Parton

• Pros: Experience as secretary.
• Cons: Only workin' 9 to 5.

Santa Claus

• Pros: Trusted; reliable; would prioritize strong holiday shopping as path to recovery.
• Cons: Unclear as to whether he has U.S. citizenship; potential landmines in confirmation because of his dependence on undocumented, potentially underaged workers.

You, a proud resident of "Main Street, USA"

• Pros: Salt of the earth; backbone of the country; not too highfalutin' like those darn Wall Street guys.
• Cons: You're carrying thousands of dollars in high-interest credit card debt and you were sold a house only a rock star could afford; you have enough problems.

Sarah Palin

• Pros: Understands small-town Americans; can easily and hilariously be replaced by Tina Fey in case of untimely snow-machine accident.
• Cons: Maverick-y ways make her less likely to bail out airline industry and more likely to sell 'em on eBay, and, also ... you betcha!

Barack Obama's Evil Clone

• Pros: Calm, steady voice of reason; inspiring rhetorician. Very Obama-like on the outside.
• Cons: Obama's Evil Clone created and already owned by Fox News for strategic use throughout the next four to eight years.

Mike Tyson

• Pros: Would terrify anyone asking for a bailout, thereby keeping the line shorter.
• Cons: Complete inability to keep own face from being tattooed would seem to call his judgment into question.

A Six-Pack of Budweiser

• Pros: Sort of what we most need at the end of the trading day, lately ... before moving on to the hard stuff.
• Cons: None.