It's been a big day for Bank of America (NYSE: BAC ) , as the bank announced that it's receiving a $5 billion capital injection from Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway (NYSE: BRK-A ) (NYSE: BRK-B ) , a move that will hopefully help keep the bank out of serious trouble.
In addition, finance blog DealBreaker leaked a memo supposedly from Bank of America today. The memo, which has the heading "Requires confirmation of readership," outlines talking points for B of A employees should they be cornered in a dark alley by a rabid journalist or angry investor.
While this is certainly a notable find by DealBreaker, they didn't get their hands on what I did: The super-secret memo to employees directly from CEO Brian Moynihan. Investors, journalists, and the management teams at JPMorgan Chase (NYSE: JPM ) , Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC ) , and Goldman Sachs (NYSE: GS ) will no doubt be very interested to read about the new initiative being launched at the bank.
To: Our 288,000 employees ONLY
From: The office of the CEO
CC: Uncle Warren
Re: We're not done for -- seriously
Bank of Amerrillwide employees,
Before I begin, I would like to reiterate the highly confidential nature of this memo. You have received this in paper copy so that we could attach an LSD tab and an emergency ripcord. Should you be in trouble and in danger of having this memo taken from your possession, simply take the LSD and pull the ripcord. The memo will explode into a million torn-up pieces of worthless credit-default swaps and you will begin shouting gibberish, causing your assailant to simply think you're yet another crazy, unemployed banker.
Now, on to the matter at hand. We are not done for. Or, as Walter Sobchak wisely said in The Big Lebowski, "Nothing is …" (well, you've seen the movie). As a result, we're instituting a new internal program, the "We Are Not Done For" Initiative. Below, I've outlined some of the major points of this initiative.
- It's just change. We all have some sort of change collection at home, but what do we need change for in the era of credit cards and electronic banking? So instead of letting that change just gather dust, bring it in and let it help the bank! I counted mine last night and came up with $108. It may not seem like much to an $80 billion bank, but if we all brought in that much, it would give us more than $30 million!
- Uncle Warren's billions. By now many of you have likely heard about the $5 billion investment from Warren Buffett and Berkshire Hathaway. While the financial portion of the agreement has been widely covered, I have also made a non-financial promise to Warren. As you may know, Berkshire Hathaway is a conglomerate that owns many other smaller companies. I've guaranteed Warren that we will give those smaller companies a boost. So, from now on, every Bank of Amerrillwide employee is required to insure themselves through GEICO, wear nothing but Fruit of the Loom underwear, repaint their entire house with Benjamin Moore paint, and only See's Candies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The menu in the corporate cafeteria will be changed in time for lunch. Starting tomorrow, there will be underwear checks at the entrance.
- Please, please don't leave me. With all of the controversy and concern swirling around Bank of Amerrillwide lately, some of you may have been getting calls from competitors like JPMorgan Chase, Wells Fargo, or even Goldman Sachs trying to convince you to go work for them. Please don't. Seriously, it would really hurt my feelings and would be bad for the bank. If you haven't been getting these calls, don't worry -- it just means that you're not very good at your job and so you can ignore this bullet point.
- Mud pies. Blogger Henry Blodget made waves recently with a blog post that called our capital position into question. When we fired back in attempt to assassinate his character, he was strangely annoyed by it and has suggested that we threw a "mud pie" at him. That gave me an idea. In the storage rooms you will now find actual mud pies. Whenever a journalist or analyst says anything untoward about the bank, it is now every employee's responsibility to try and track that person down and throw an actual mud pie at them … and then, while they're stunned, grab them, tie them up, and deposit them in a special holding cell in the basement of corporate. Don't worry, we won't hurt them and don't plan to keep them forever -- just long enough for us to get back on sound footing, which shouldn’t be more than a couple decades.
There will be more details of the "We Are Not Done For" Initiative emerging shortly, but as you can see from the simple bullets above, we can take major strides towards healing Bank of Amerrillwide without doing anything crazy (like raising a lot of new capital).
With much gratitude,
Disclaimer: The Motley Fool is here to educate, enrich, and amuse. The preceding memo is not a real Bank of America memo.