Carly Fiorina: The Edge of Reason

March 2

129 pounds.Job offers, 1 (hurrah!). Stock options, 6 million (hurrah!). Severance pay, $21.5 million (hurrah!) plus $50,000 for financial planning (as if I need it, hurrah!).

7:15 a.m. Can't believe simpletons at New York Times (NYSE: NYT  ) took the bait! Word is out, let campaigning begin! Me for World Bank Prez! So incredibly funny to think that this old sales girl could get such a plum job so soon after being fired by evil male conspiracy at Hewlett-Packard (NYSE: HPQ  ) . Will show them. They think they'll be opening a supercenter in Botswana or Argentina without Carly? Not bloody likely, chaps!

7:35 a.m. Half a Starbucks (Nasdaq: SBUX  ) and only one KrispyKreme (NYSE: KKD  ) later -- self control, excellent -- am full of most wonderful ideas. Really want to shake up pointy-head wonks at World Bank, teach them a lesson for P. Bush. Will keep running list in case job comes through.

To do:

  • Force merger of Iran and Iraq despite heavy opposition from boards. Nearly same country, right? So much sand and far away. Can market oil under new name! Oilpaq. Scratch that. Seems too familiar. Must call Gwennie for name advice, no doubt!
  • Or better, hire Gwennie for World Bank, if done designing cameras. Think shot of fun fashion would help struggling countries' self esteem.
  • Lesson from printer cartridges. Force loan money to run out when only 2/3 of original funds is used up. Make them expire if not used quickly. Must get them hooked and keep them coming back for more or rev. figs. will suffer v. much. Helped us in fight with Lexmark (NYSE: LXK  ) .

7:50 a.m. One more half Krispy Kreme (am not made of stone). Hope 5th St. location is closed during corporate diet. Own diet would improve.

7:52 a.m. Move to top of list: negotiate severance package. $20 million from HP nice, but shoe closet still in dire need of update. (So glad investors don't read proxies. So hard to hide the good stuff. Like default bonuses! Maybe easier in government job?) Must be strong. Will suggest $40 million and work back from there. Wonder if have friends of friends on compensation board? Will ask P. Bush.

8:01 a.m. So v. bummed by plight of world's poor. Can't understand why just don't cash in stock options.

8:02 a.m. Housekeeper says in her country, don't have stock options.

8:03 a.m. Idea! Brilliant! No loans. Free stock options! Can elevate poor at same time teach ingrate shareholders lesson! Perhaps offer to expense options to first five poor people in each country, just to get FASB off back. Hope old fogey from Berkshire Hathaway (NYSE: BRKa  ) keeps mouth shut this time around.

8:07 a.m. Must remember line from speech at this year's Consumer Electronics Show about giving "power to the people." V. hip and trendy. Makes me feel like exciting, principled protestor at G8 meeting.

8:08 a.m. Capitalist version. No dreadlocks.

8:15 a.m. Enough work. The View on soon, but must resist TV. Will go out shopping for Nike (NYSE: NKE  ) trainers instead. Start running tomorrow, or at least look v. cute, strong, and active in new gear.

8:20 a.m. Wonder how long will need to hold post at World Bank before can jump to Secretary of Treasury?

8:21 a.m. Or Fed Chair?

March 3. Seth Jayson: 165 pounds. 1 cup coffee, 1 dry-ish piece of toast (very little butter, excellent!), 1 attempt at parroting famous, dry British wit. At time of publication, had positions in no company mentioned. Stock holdings and Fool profile here. Fool rules here.


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