The Ad That Saves Burger King

As Texas Pacific, along with its partners Bain Capital and Goldman Sachs (NYSE: GS), prepare to launch an IPO for Burger King, it occurs to me that this chain has nearly completely lost its position in the pantheon of American quick-serve restaurants. With the news in the past few weeks that CEO Greg Brenneman had stepped down, the IPO comes off as little more than a way for these financial investors to clean their hands of a faltering investment.

As little as a decade ago, it seemed on the outside that Burger King was a credible competitor to McDonald's (NYSE: MCD), with Wendy's (NYSE: WEN) and CKE Restaurants (NYSE: CKR) trying to keep up. These days, here in burgeoning Northern Virginia, I'd be hard-pressed to identify where a Burger King is located, much less the last time I've eaten at one, which stinks because I love Burger King. Chipotle (NYSE: CMG) -- with its recent stellar IPO that some believe was the impetus for the Burger King move -- has a far larger mindshare in these parts. Heck, so does recent Wendy's spinoff Tim Hortons (NYSE: THI), and the nearest Tim Hortons is in West Virginia.

What we have is a marketing problem
OK, perhaps I'm too small a sample size, but I will say this: It's not so much that Burger King has struggled to remain competitive in the fast food market, but rather that it's struggled to remain relevant. The main impressions I have of Burger King these days are a moderately disturbing "King" character in its ads, the Subservient Chicken, a menu that rotates faster than most restaurants change their fry oil, and a vague suspicion that I used to enjoy eating there.

Not since White Castle -- which was once many times the size of McDonald's -- has a restaurant chain with so many advantages managed to perform so dismally. This IPO is not a sign of health at Burger King; it really is a sign that its investors want to cash out and move on.

Fortunately, I have a solution -- an advertisement so brilliant that it can't fail to work. It involves the most famous fast-food junkie since Wimpy promised to pay Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Yes, I'm talking about Bill Clinton.

Imagine if you will, Bill Clinton, Man of the People, walking into a Burger King restaurant. Love music is playing. Maybe "Me and Mrs. Jones," maybe something by Barry White. Doesn't matter. He walks purposefully to the counter. Orders. Triple Whopper with cheese.

Clinton sits down, lovingly unwraps the Whopper. Music fades. It's then you notice that a tear is streaming down his cheek. And that's when he says it, voice cracking with emotion:

"I wish I knew how to quit you!"

At which point he takes a giant bite, looking slightly guilty but exceedingly happy. The perfect Clinton kind of moment, the kind for which he will always both be loved and despised at the same time. Resistance to this ad would be totally futile.

Admit it -- you're thinking about a Triple Whopper with (or without) cheese right now, aren't you?

Oh, sure, the Burger King folks might just have to ask the BrokebackMountain folks for permission to use the line. But whatever. They might also have to pay Clinton a huge sum of money. Twenty million bucks? Pay the man. It'll be worth it.

(And royalties for the idea will be gladly accepted. I'd even accept some of them there IPO shares. You're welcome, by the way.)

Bill Mann owns shares of McDonald's and has beneficial interest in Chipotle. And no, this doesn't mean that he's trying to sabotage Burger King. In fact, not five minutes ago, he used his Google-fu to find out where the nearest Burger King is. The Motley Fool has a disclosure policy.