FOOL ON THE HILL
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Being a financial writer has its perks. With unfettered access to the market's movers and shakers, we're privy to a host of investment information that the public never sees. Dayana Yochim reveals some of the gems from her e-mail inbox.

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By Dayana Yochim (TMF School)
April 10, 2002

Ha, ha. Very funny. To whoever signed me up for the "Joke-of-the-Day" e-mail, I've got news for you: I don't have time for such frivolity. My e-mail inbox is overflowing with important opportunities that demand my immediate attention.

Being a member of the elite financial press, I'm privy to a lot of investing information and services that the general public never gets a chance to see. For instance, just now my new best friend nash_andrew@mailasia.com wrote to tell me about his IRA Liberation Process. He's got a sure-fire system (it's 100% legal, right, Andrew?) for getting around those "pesky IRA limitations" so I can get tax-free, penalty-free access to my retirement funds for day trading, private placements, hedge funds, and offshore/alternative investments. Whew, thanks, Andy. You just helped me avert the costly mistake of tying up my IRA contributions in a stodgy old index fund.

Clearly, John (investment4unow@yahoo.com) knows that I don't have time for knock-knock jokes. He gets right to the point in his note by inviting me to join "the flight to REAL returns" through fully secured accounts receivable acquisitions. "IMAGINE $10,000.00 TODAY COULD BE WORTH $13,600.00 IN 12 MONTHS!!!!!! or $14,200.00 COMPOUNDED!" No need for all the capitalization and exclamation points, John. I'm on board! Just send me some of those security receipts, or whatever you called them.

Not everyone is invited to buy and sell unleaded gasoline futures on the New York Mercantile Exchange. But I am. The "professionals who specialize in these markets and trade them on a regular basis" (you can reach them at o5702k38@bkkmail.com, just mention my name) have given me unprecedented access to this market. All I have to do is come up with five grand to purchase five unleaded gasoline option contracts.

The best part of all is that I get these kinds of tips every day. Since I can't follow up on each one, I'll share the tip JerryBonds40@yahoo.com from "Special Situation Alerts Newsletter" recently sent to me. His operation's "hot April stock pick" is OTCBB: ERHC. "ERHC" stands for Environmental Remediation Holding Corp. and those of us in the know understand that "OTCBB" means "Oh, This Could Be Big." Heck, I've got enough spare change in my purse to purchase 150 shares. Space doesn't permit me to share all of the hard-hitting analysis (362 words) Jerry penned. Unfortunately, his 308-word disclaimer puts me just over my allotted word count. Besides, who needs research? Jerry TOLD me this was a hot stock pick.

My colleagues at the Fool are jealous of my access to such powerful information. When I asked Bill Mann (TMF Otter) for a small loan to get in on the ground floor of a sure thing, he gave me "the lecture."

"There's no such thing as outsize return without outsize risk," he said. (He always starts the lecture the same way, even when we're just trying to pick a place to go for lunch.) "You are the harbor of last resort because none of the 'smart money' will touch it," he claims, obviously missing the fact that these systems are GUARANTEED -- it says so right in the subject line. Then he yammers on about people who want me to buy their highly speculative stock-picking system and some sort of Nigerian confidence scam, blah, blah, blah.

He acts as if these people don't have a genuine stake in the investments they're recommending. Mrs. Burleigh96@aol.com says it right there at the bottom of her email to me: "BUY THIS SHARE has been hired by a non-affiliated, third-party consultant and has received one million shares of common stock for the publication and circulation of this report. BTS has purchased twenty five thousand shares in the open market and has paid up to sixty-five cents per share." Because of my position, I receive the $290/year subscription gratis.

Wow, I love this job. But should this Fool gig not work out, there are people out there who recognize my talents and are itching to have me come work for them. Gary at 2r2et465r7uyg2w@hotmail.com just wrote to tell me that I could "Make More Than Your Boss." A check for the set-up fee is in the mail, Gary!

With so many people looking out for my financial well being, I feel guilty not returning the generosity. So, to nash_andrew@mailasia.com, investment4unow@yahoo.com, o5702k38@bkkmail.com, JerryBonds40@yahoo.com, bfsmaker8307c52@prodigy.net, 2r2et465r7uyg2w@hotmail.com, and Burleigh96@aol.com, look for your e-mail "Joke of the Day" starting tomorrow. It's the least I could do in return.

All future solicitations for Dayana Yochim should be sent to BillM@Fool.com. The Motley Fool's disclosure policy doesn't contain even one knock-knock joke, but it is a lot more fun to read than most disclaimers.