FOOL ON THE HILL
January may have been the coldest month in recent memory, but it was hot with financial news: dueling economic stimulus packages, Microsoft's dividend announcement, Philip Morris' name change, the McDonald's lawsuit, and much more. Yet I know what you'll remember most is Anna Kournikova's tattoo talk.
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The first month of 2003 is drawing to a close, and investors seem euphoric about the market's performance. With the S&P 500 down only 5% so far this year, it appears most of us can actually determine our losses on a normal, eight-digit calculator again. And there's reason to be optimistic about the economy's recovery, what with helpful politicians everywhere offering exciting stimulus packages. President Bush's "growth and jobs" proposal promises to give Americans an average tax cut of $1,083, create 2.1 million jobs, and develop a cure for bad breath within five years. Democrats, meanwhile, claim Bush's plan benefits only the rich and causes gingivitis. The president's proposal to eliminate dividend taxes spurred Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) to declare it would actually pay one for the first time in its history. In a fit of generosity, Chairman Bill Gates also announced his company would allow a rival word processor -- DOS WordPerfect 1.0 -- to ship with its XP operating system, "just to see what happens." Amazon.com (Nasdaq: AMZN) reported a quarterly profit for only the second time in its history, and CEO Jeff Bezos watched proudly as his company produced $135 million in free cash flow in 2002. Time magazine, still trying to live down naming Bezos "Person of the Year" in 1999, grudgingly designated him "Halfway-Significant Balding Individual of the Month." The Securities and Exchange Commission issued a new regulation to make non-GAAP pro forma accounting clearer and easier to understand, saying: For this purpose, a non-GAAP financial measure will be defined as a numerical measure of a company's financial performance that (1) excludes amounts, or is subject to adjustments that have the effect of excluding amounts, that are included in the comparable measure calculated and presented in accordance with GAAP in the statement of income, balance sheet or statement of cash flows (or equivalent statements) of the issuer; or (2) includes amounts, or is subject to adjustments that have the effect of including amounts, that are excluded from the comparable measure so calculated and presented. In related news, the Bureau of Concise Sentences issued a new regulation to make the SEC clearer and easier to understand. In New York, a federal judge threw out a lawsuit brought against McDonald's (NYSE: MCD), filed on behalf of obese children. The judge said the plaintiffs failed to show that "McDonald's products involve danger... not within the common knowledge of consumers." Also, the judge said, "The company is still raising money for the Ronald McDonald House. Until that clown finally gets on his feet and moves into decent living quarters, he'd never be able to pay damages, anyway." Venture funding continued to shrink. The Washington Post reported that venture capital spending nationwide totaled only about half of 2001 levels, and reached a four-year low in the nation's capital. Area companies raised about $1 billion per quarter during the height of the bubble, but that fell to $250 million per quarter last year. In 2003, experts predict funding to dip to $3.50 a week, with the difference made up in discounted dry cleaning and free movie passes. In January sports happenings, tennis star Anna Kournikova actually made news because she doesn't have a tattoo just above her derriere. "It is a heat patch," said the former pitchperson for Charles Schwab (NYSE: SCH). "I have had chronic back pain, and it is a heat patch I have worn for some years. My skirt is a little lower this year, which is why you can now see it." Thousands of photographers descended upon the Australian Open in Melbourne to chronicle the story, filling hotel rooms over a 100-mile radius. Also, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Oakland Raiders to win their first Super Bowl ever, while Disney's (NYSE: DIS) ABC network raked in some $2 million for each 30-second commercial. Anheuser-Busch (NYSE: BUD) spent $23 million all by itself, enough to feed and clothe the entire Washington Redskins team for four days. Earlier this week, Philip Morris' (NYSE: MO) name change to "Altria" became final. Critics see the change as an effort to divert investors' attention away from cigarettes and toward the company's other products. Management disagrees, and says the new name (which means "Hey... We Sell Beer and Oreos, Too!" in Latin) "... communicates with greater clarity our corporate structure and how our companies manage their respective businesses." Other companies, seeing the genius of obscuring the true nature of their business with odd names, are following suit. Casino Magic (Nasdaq: CMAG) will soon be known as "Refreshing Lemon Scent," Imperial Tobacco (NYSE: ITY) will become "Small, Furry, Root-Eating Mammal," and AOL Time Warner (NYSE: AOL) will now be called "When I Snap My Fingers, You'll Forget the Merger Ever Happened." Finally, President Bush delivered his State of the Union address last night, a speech Reuters said the "financial markets had been on tenterhooks for." As millions of Americans scrambled to look up the word "tenterhooks," the president reemphasized the need for his stimulus package, saying: "Our economy is recovering -- yet it is not growing fast enough, or strongly enough." In addition, Mr. Bush threatened to expand his list of "Axis of Evil" countries to include Canada, unless "they stop sending all that cold air down our way and driving up our energy use." All this, and there are still a couple of days left in the month. Rex Moore is not allowed to operate heavy machinery or complicated microwave ovens. At press time, he owned shares of Microsoft and Anheuser-Busch... as can be seen on his profile page. The Motley Fool's disclosure policy is now available in bite-size snacks.
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