The following story is part of our 2000 April Fools' joke. For an explanation of why we did the joke, click here.

The following is a recently discovered unpublished scene from Shakespeare's Macbeth. It has been authenticated by Dr. Geof Nordberg of England's Department of Historical Records and appears to be the first draft of Act II, Scene I of the play. What is especially noteworthy is the financial slant of the original scene. Experts have suggested that Shakespeare changed the scene to its current version in order to focus attention away from his monetary relations, and specifically his stock portfolio.

Macbeth
Act II, Scene I

[The scene opens in a castle courtyard. Enter BANQUO and FLEANCE, bearing papers]

BANQUO:	How goes my stock, boy?
FLEANCE:	My words matter not, for I am but a stock boy.
BANQUO:	Spill thy tongue, or thou shalt have no tongue to spill!
FLEANCE:	The stock is down; I have not heard the news.
BANQUO:	And she is down twelve?
FLEANCE:	I take't, 'tis worse, sir.
BANQUO:	This heavy summons lies like lead upon me And yet I will not sell! Merciful powers, Restrain in me the cursed thoughts That tempt me to hold. [Enter Macbeth] Give me my sword. Who's there?
MACBETH:	Your broker.
BANQUO:	What, sir, not yet at rest? The market's a-bed: It hath been in unusual displeasure, and Sent forth great losses to the stock of my constitution.
MACBETH:	Being unprepared, My better judgement became the servant to defect; For now I bear the defect alone. 'Tis my fault all through, I am your broker, But my heart doth break for thee, For my defect hath rendered you Not richer but broker.
BANQUO:	So I lose all In seeking to augment it, but still I keep My bosom franchised and allegiance clear: I shall be counsell'd by you.
MACBETH:	Good repose the while!
BANQUO:	Thanks, sir: the like to you! [Exeunt BANQUO and FLEANCE] [Enter HAMLET, DESDOMONA, ROMEO, TOUCHSTONE, BOLINGBROKE, SIR TOBY BELCH, ROSALIND, DICK THE BUTCHER, THIRD MURDERER, MALVOLIO, GONERIL, THE KING OF FRANCE, LUCIUS' SERVANT, and forty SOOTHSAYERS]
MACBETH:	Good morrow.
HAMLET:	Good morrow, he says? Is he not the man who hath ravaged Banquo's stock?
DESDEMONA:	Yes, methinks his head is out of stock.
ROMEO:	Or perhaps his stocks are too tight for his trunk?
MACBETH:	'Tis not true!
GONERIL:	My ears hath ne'er heard a more stock answer.
SIR TOBY BELCH:	The stock of his blood is that of a coward.
TOUCHSTONE:	Ay, chicken stock!
LUCIAS' SERVANT:	I am merely a good stock character, but his character lacks good stock.
DICK THE BUTCHER:	See how he doth resemble livestock?
ROSALIND:	Though his stocks are far from live!
THIRD MURDERER:	I presume the stock of his family tree is weak and poorly planted.
KING OF FRANCE:	I decree he shall fore'er be placed in the stocks!
MACBETH:	I beg thee! From heretofore, I will mend my ways.
MALVOLIO:	I put no stock in what you hath spoke.
MACBETH:	Enough! Be gone or my sword shall run thee through!
BOLINGBROKE:	He is boiling and broke. Let us be off! [Exeunt all but MACBETH and the forty SOOTHSAYERS]
MACBETH:	Why hath you not left me to myself?
FIRST SOOTHSAYER:	Oh, zounds! We hath missed our cue to depart. [Exeunt SOOTHSAYERS]
MACBETH:	My mind doth betray me, the spirits mock my existence! How now, what's this? Is this a ticker that I see before me, The letters mock me as they dart across? Come, let me analyze thee. I know thee not, and yet I buy thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, Sensitive to earnings as to splits? Or art thou but a penny-play, a false creation, Proceeding from the greed-obsessed brain? [A bell rings] I go, and it is done; the bell invites me. Hear it not, Banquo; for it is a knell That sends thy stock to heaven or to hell. [Exit]

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