By Felicia Cohn, Foolish Intern

The following story is part of our 2000 April Fools' joke. For an explanation of why we did the joke, click here.

The following is an excerpt from the graduate thesis of Felicia Cohn, an English student at Cambridge University and, more importantly, a Motley Fool intern.

In the previous chapter, we explored the all-consuming machinations of Hamlet and how they personify the inexplicable existence of man's role within himself. "To think or not to think," if you will. By giving us Hamlet, Shakespeare is remorsefully saying, "I have encapsulated my life in a shell of my former self. I am nothing more than a shadow. I am man." In that, I must concur. Ah, to sleep, perchance to dream, indeed! If only we were all so fortunate.

In this next chapter, I will add some levity to my thesis by exploring the various financial themes and motifs in Shakespeare's plays. I will successfully illustrate how Shakespeare was far more financially astute than is commonly believed, and I will use these to prove that Shakespeare himself was an investor.

Chapter 11 - The Bard of Finance: Did Shakespeare Invest?
Any Shakespeare scholar worth his weight in butter is surely aware of the thousands of financial references in the works of Shakespeare. To spend time covering them all would be a futile endeavor, like that of Shakespeare's Prospero, who was doomed to aimlessly wander the beach in search of his magical goat. Instead, I will focus my efforts on a dozen or so quotes with such apparent financial overtones that one can but only wonder if Shakespeare is implying something far greater.

As a launching point into my main argument, let us look at the following four quotes:

"Invest me in my Motley" -- As You Like It, Act II, Scene 7
"For this they have been thoughtful to invest" -- Henry IV, Act IV, Scene 5
"Good time, and live: but for the stock" -- Henry VIII, Act V, Scene 1
"'A crafty knave does need no broker" -- Henry VI, Part Two, Act I, Scene 2

"Invest," "broker," "stock." What is going on here? Is Shakespeare trying to tell us something? It's as if he is saying, "Invest with me. For I am Shakespeare. I am rich. Bow before me and kiss my toes. I am Shakespeare. I am wealthy. Learn from me. I am Shakespeare. I am huge." To arrive at any other conclusion would be preposterous.

But to stop here would only scratch the surface. For Shakespeare is far more crafty than that. Ergo, I present the following quotes:

"'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke" -- Midsummer Night's Dream, Act I, Scene I
"Cry, Cock-a-diddle-dow" -- The Tempest, Act I, Scene 2
"And now declare, sweet stem from York's great stock" -- Henry VI, Part One, Act II, Scene 5

In three simple lines, Shakespeare has predicted the future far better than Nostradamus ever did. Hundreds of years before their popular emergence, Shakespeare foresaw the future of the financial world thrice: the use of the terms "bull" and "bear" to describe the market, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, and the "great" New York Stock Exchange.

Hereunto now, any piddling oaf with a search engine could have done this analysis. It is at this point in which I will extricate myself from the seething pustules of academia that are eternally mired in the sullen quagmire of mediocrity that is a B+. I will delve deeper into this matter than any other scholar has dared to. Just like Othello did when he sailed through Scylla and Charybdis and defeated the mighty Cyclops, I will sally forward in headstrong pursuit of my noble goal.

I laboriously catalogued every word in Merchant of Venice, entered the data into a computer, and organized the information to display them in order of their frequency:

The, 815; I, 649; And, 574; To, 443; Of, 442; You, 440; A, 416; My, 360; In, 293; Is, 262; Me, 261; That, 257; It, 233; For, 225; Not, 219; Be, 188; With, 184; But, 181; Your, 175; He, 173; Have, 161; His, 155; This, 145; As, 141; Will, 132; If, 120; So, 118; Do, 112; Him, 110; Shall, 109; What, 106; By, 103; Thou, 102; Are, 101; No, 93; All, 80; Well, 78; Am, 76; There, 75; Would, 72; Here, 68; From, 67; Let, 67; On, 67; Her, 66; At, 64; Come, 64; More, 64; Thee, 64; Then, 64; We, 64; Than, 63; Good, 62; Which, 60; Thy, 59; Love, 58; Go, 57; Jew, 57; How, 56; When, 56; Man, 55; An, 52; Hath, 51; Or, 51; Should, 51; Did, 50; Happy, 50; Give, 49; April, 48; One, 48; Fools', 47; Now, 47; Day, 47; Lord, 46; See, 45; Antonio, 44; Say, 44; Know, 43; Such, 43; Take, 43; They, 43; Pray, 42; Them, 42; Who, 42; Had, 41; Bond, 39; Doth, 39; Sir, 39; Why, 39; May, 37; Ring, 37; She, 37; Fair, 35; Must, 35; Yet, 35; Make, 34; Nor, 34; Were, 34; Some, 33; Bassanio, 32; Master, 32; Never, 32; O, 32; These, 32; Like, 31; Therefore, 31; Father, 30; Tell, 30; Too, 30; Us, 30; Very, 30; Where, 30; Ducats, 29; Our, 29; Can, 28; Choose, 27; Lady, 27; Launcelot, 27; Any, 26; Friend, 26; Three, 26; Two, 26; Hear, 25; Leave, 25; Men, 25; Mine, 25; Lorenzo, 24; Many, 24; Think, 24; Before, 23; Flesh, 23; House, 23; Nothing, 23; Speak, 23; Their, 23; Young, 23; Away, 22; Christian, 22; Comes, 22; Day, 22; Look, 22; Night, 22; Old, 22; Out, 22; Swear, 22; Sweet, 22; True, 22; Better, 21; Fortune, 21; Hand, 21; Jessica, 21; Judge, 21; Life, 21; Stand, 21; Thousand, 21; Cannot, 20; Daughter, 20; Eyes, 20; Most, 20; Other, 20; Own, 20; Tis, 20; Heart, 19; Myself, 19; Part, 19; Venice, 19; Wife, 19; Bid, 18; Even, 18; Time, 18; Live, 17; Made, 17; Mind, 17; Nerissa, 17; Same, 17; Shylock, 17; Welcome, 17; Being, 16; Boy, 16; Doctor, 16; Find, 16; God, 16; Heaven, 16; Into, 16; Law, 16; Yours, 16; Fear, 15; First, 15; Gold, 15; Justice, 15; Letter, 15; Madam, 15; Music, 15; Says, 15; Show, 15; Soul, 15; Times, 15; Unto, 15; World, 15; Again, 14; Answer, 14; Ay, 14; Blood, 14; Both, 14; Court, 14; Devil, 14; Faith, 14

First, let us focus on the top six words: The, I, And, To, Of, and You. Rearrange them to get the following sentence, "You and I the of to." Remove the first two words (because man is ultimately a selfish beast) to get the following: "I the of to." Now, rearrange the letters of the last two words, which yields "I the foot." Replace "the foot" with the word "invest" and you have the following "I invest." The implications of this fairly overt message are far-reaching.

But the analysis does not end there. Look down about halfway, and you'll notice that the word fortune appears 21 times in the play. It is noteworthy that the following words appear less frequently: heart, wife, god, heaven, soul, law, faith. I think this provides us with conclusive evidence as to Shakespeare's priorities. He's quite obviously saying, "I have a stock portfolio."

But where is this portfolio? Historians have conducted exhaustive inquiries only to end up sucking fumes off the tailpipe of fruitlessness. However, I think I have unraveled the answer. Ironically, Shakespeare himself tells us the location of his secret portfolio!

"My grave" -- Romeo and Juliet, Act I, Scene 5.

Hundreds upon hundreds of years, and the answer was lying there right before our eyes like a wounded pigeon. But if that's not persuasive enough, then I offer the following:

"My grave" -- The Tempest, Act V, Scene 1.
"My grave" -- Hamlet, Act II, Scene 2.
"My grave" -- Twelfth Night, Act II, Scene 4.
"My grave" -- As You Like It, Act II, Scene 6.

How centuries of scholars have missed this is beyond me. Shakespeare is unequivocally leaving us a message. I would conjecture that if you were to open Shakespeare's grave, you would indeed find some sort of indication or evidence that Shakespeare invested in stocks.

That concludes this chapter. In the next chapter, I will attempt to prove that Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar was actually loosely based on a man of the same name who lived in Rome.

Addendum to this chapter:
During my research I uncovered other interesting pieces of evidence that further substantiate my brilliant theory. One that is especially worth mentioning is an unpublished first draft of a scene from Macbeth, which was folded inside a letter from Shakespeare to Anne Hathaway's father. I came across this letter during my visit to the Bodleian Library.

Next: First Draft of a Scene from Macbeth »

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