Candidate #1: Whitman Luther Whitmann III, Mortgage Broker
The story of mortgage broker Whitman Luther Whitmann III is a sad and all too common one. In 2003 he got a job at McMillan-Forsythe Brokerage, and quickly earned the name of "Luther, The Great Refinancer." Through his All-American looks and smooth talk, he convinced countless low-income families to refinance their 30-year fixed mortgages into much riskier loans. The upside? The families were entered into a drawing to win a free juicer.
Luther’s tactics were envied by many and despised by others. Accused of being a "predatory lender," Luther embraced the accusation, saying, "Hey baby, I’m the king of the jungle, the lion of Wall Street. And where I work… it’s always feeding time."
Two years ago, Luther was the proud owner of two penthouse apartments overlooking Central Park, one in which he would live and the other in which he would go to the bathroom. He never wore a shirt or pair of pants more than once, and he would sell his used clothing to kids for a 10% profit with the prospect that the pockets would contain a rare Pokemon card (only 1 in 1000 items contained a card, and it was usually a common Jigglypuff).
But with the recent collapse in the economy, things have turned south for Luther. He had to sell one of his apartments, forcing him to use the bathroom facilities of his neighbor Heidi Klum. He has also had to make painful cuts elsewhere, using food only for nutrition and not for recreational activities. To continue funding production of his Iron Man suit, he recently had to auction off most of his sock collection, which featured socks worn by the Beatles, three members of the Rat Pack, and King Mswati III of Swaziland.
Luther needs your help. He can barely afford to pay for the satellite that conducts surveillance of his satellite dish. For as little as $3500 a day, we can give Luther a better life. Make a difference and vote for Luther!
