Post of the Day
June 16, 1999
Water Cooler Folder
Posts selected for this feature rarely stand alone. They are usually a part of an ongoing thread, and are out of context when presented here. The material should be read in that light.
Subject: A Tuba in the Wrong Hands...
Applying the same logic that brought us "Guns don't kill people, people do," we conclude that "Tubas don't play out of tune, tuba players do."
Come to think of it, there are other similarities as well. In the wrong hands, a tuba can be a very dangerous weapon. Each year, thousands of people are killed, maimed or annoyed by tubas.
Tubas should be stored out of reach of young children. There is currently legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of tubas and equip them with child-safety devices, but the powerful tuba lobby is violently opposed to this. There have been various proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock."
Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a tuba have been heretofore thwarted. (This would allow a period of time for local law enforcement to cross-check the purchaser's name against a national list of registered sax offenders.)
Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" tuba, or euphonium. One response is the increased sentencing for those using a tuba while committing a crime. (Use a tuba, go to jail.) This has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "three sharps and you're out" laws passed in many states.
The automatic and semiautomatic models are much more dangerous than the traditional single-note tuba. The awesome destructive power of the five valve tuba could never have been imagined by the founding fathers.
Remember: When tubas are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Getting Sentimental Over You."