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September 28, 1999

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Ballmer's performance review

Author: doitnow5

[The following satire deals with what might have been said after MSFT President Steve Ballmer made those remarks about valuations.]

Steve: "How'd I do at the conference, Bill?" Had 'em right in the palm of my hand!"

Bill: Sit down already, Steve, and no high-fives."

Steve: "But you saw the reaction - it was perfect. Must 've knocked a solid 5-7% out of the tech sails on my words alone. This power thing is awesome."

Bill: "About those words, Steve"...Greenspan called me this morning".

Steve: "Called you?"

Bill: "Says you pulled the rug right out from under him."

Steve: "Come on...:

Bill: "You said ' absurd'.

Steve: "So...valuations ARE absurd."

Bill: "Alan said that's his word. You used his word. He gets awefully upset when anyone uses one of his words. Had his whole October 5 speech build around it and you go off and use it. He ripped me a new one."

Steve: "Ludicrous!"

Bill: That's his word too... you can't say 'ludicrous'".

Steve: Can't say 'ludicrous?"

Bill: "That's reserved for the January meeting".

Steve: "Unreal!"

Bill: "Can't say 'unreal' either".

Steve: "This is getting silly, Bill."

Bill: He said "silly' was ok...we can say 'silly'.

Steve: "But that sounds so.......stupid and geeky".

Bill: Steve, you are stupid and geeky...you should have checked with Alan first...I TOLD you that, but no, you get on your high horse and let 'absurd' fly out of your mouth like a flatulant old sow. You know protocol around here."

Steve: "Yeah, but saying 'absurd' gets a rise out of press, and it send the markets reeling. That's about all I have left....I've got billions, and everything else a man could dream of...and I have power. And you're telling me I have to check with Alan first? LUDICROUS!"

Bill: Can't say 'ludicrous', remember.

Steve: I'm richer than 5000 Greenspans....I don't have to get his stamp of approval for what I say! This is an outrage....it's absurd!"

Bill: "Off the table, Steve, and jeez..you just slobbered yourself. Get it under control."

Steve: (whiney) "But I want to say 'absurd' and 'ludicrous', and in the same sentence!!!"

Bill: "Sorry...especially not in the same sentence."

Steve: I can say 'silly', huh?"

Bill: Remember 'irrational exuberence' ?"

Steve: "Yeah".

Bill: "That's his too. Copyrighted it. Don't even think about that one. He was so proud of that one, having made it all up by himself and all. At least that's what he thinks."

Steve: "What do you mean?"

Bill: (leaning back, smrik on his face) Who do you think he got it from?"

Steve: "Guffaw!! High five brother Bill!"

Bill: "You're on your way my good man, ....you're on your way........"