Post of the Day
December 31, 1999

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Lou2's Life

Posts selected for this feature rarely stand alone. They are usually a part of an ongoing thread, and are out of context when presented here. The material should be read in that light.

Subject:  Re: friends

Oh dear. Lou darlin', it is so you to be posting at 3 in the morning...

Warning: No services next 100 miles

Swallen's LIG post was the impetus for this one here, but it also is in the same vein as Lou's.

For some reason, Christmas Eve's have seemed a bit awkward for the last several years; primarily since I've been married, and likely because my in-law's are so generous on Christmas morning. It's like this funny, anxious anticipation thing. Anyway, as I have become a grown-up recently, I've tried to find my own traditions to implement for holidays, primarily because we didn't really have any growing up and I feel all empty inside because of it. It seems that one of them is going to be Christmas Eve dinner at our house, with Christmas Day festivities remaining at the in-laws.

So, in the spirit of traditions, I stepped out onto my front porch late Christmas Eve, after everyone else had gone to bed. Fine cigar and snifter of Glenlivet in hand, I sat back and put my feet up on the railing. I just sat there, puffing and sipping, taking it all in. And as I did, thoughts ran through my head with abandon. I gazed at the supposedly brighter moon; I observed how Mars(?) twinkled red and blue in the night, and thought
"Sometimes the inner strength of people and their willingness to give of themselves truly amazes me."
about how I can someday fool BankDaughter and her probable sibling that that's really Santa; I pondered my place in the universe. I found myself asking, "How will my life be different a year from now? How is it different from a year ago?" The latter of course brought this cyber-community immediately to mind. I thought about how far I've come (though I still can't frame my arguments as well[?] as Simbob), I thought about how far I have to go ('cause I will go postal on eswan if...well, anyway), I thought about how I consider possibilities and perspectives of the universe that I did not allow myself prior to taking part in the exchanges on the boards. I thought of the Earth Angel, and the whirlpool of emotion that surrounds his demise. Sometimes the inner strength of people and their willingness to give of themselves truly amazes me.

But I also thought of my own Mandy and Laura. Boys who, though now bearing manly exteriors, are still the same goofballs as I. Guys who made my young life worth living, with whom I shared a smoke on the bluffs over San Diego Harbor those ever farther, college freshman Christmas evenings ago. Guys who arguably haven't amounted to much professionally, a responsibility I partially bear, rightly or not. Though time and circumstance have scattered us as seeds to the wind, they remain in my heart.

To my questions I found no answers, save for this: Go on. George Bernard Shaw said, "Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting." A good observation, in my opinion. There is so much out there, waiting for us to allow ourselves the opportunity for experience. Too often we seem to allow the minutiae of the day-to-day to blind us to that fact. He also said, "I am not a teacher---only a fellow traveler of whom you asked the way. I pointed ahead---ahead of myself as well as of you." Sometimes we are the load bearer, other times we are the load. There is tremendous value in the realization of alternate perspectives. We've so much to learn from each other. And when we don't have the "answers", may we lock arms and forge ahead in pursuit.

I've enjoyed my life, and could have died several years ago, content that I had done all that I wanted to do here. But as long as it is within me, I shall enjoy seeking new territory, and the answers to the questions with which we all struggle. I shall enjoy sharing in others' pain, as I think that even in tragedy there are lessons to be learned and strength to be gained. And despite what I may learn, I shall remain a flawed human who, at best, can only begin to connect with his Creator.



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