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Mechanical Investing
Lexicon for the New Post-Bubble Eeek-onomy

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By deanwoodward
May 23, 2002

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We really have been through a lot lately, so I took it upon myself to come up with a guide to help us all come to grips with the New Reality. So, without further adieu, here are some definitions I think we all need to know:

Anderstunned n. (1) The condition of amazement caused by the realization that the financial statements of a corporation was intentionally and fraudulently misrepresented by a conspiracy of the corporation's officers and the auditing firm. (2) A condition of amazement caused by the realization that one must choose another accounting firm to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

Bartiromoan n. An involuntary utterance when one realizes that the person they are watching for financial information most likely has the intellect and financial acumen of a squirrel.

Cramerde n. A certain variety of fecal matter spread widely (and wildly) by a certain self-congratulating ex-hedge fund manager, who in his own opinion, is rarely incorrect. However, the accuracy of past statements is de-emphasized and rarely verified.

CRAP n. Criminally Reckless Accounting Principles

Cripple Effect n. A phenomenon, esp. in financial markets, wherein uncertainty caused by external events, such as rampant corruption, results in the inability of individuals to make rational decisions, which in turn leads to a widespread and collective malaise and/or disgust.

EBITDA n. Earnings Before Idiots and Thieves Destroy Accuracy

Endrone n. An employee of a corrupt enterprise that nevertheless stays at the company because of the wonderful compensation package, stock options, and possible book rights. See Watkins, Sherron.

Fillay v. To shamelessly deny or claim ignorance with respect to a particular matter, esp. under oath. Example: When asked about their role in the scandal, the defendants Fillayed, saying they didn't know how those earnings got inflated. (orig.: from Andy "F"astow, Jeff Sk"ILL"ing, and Ken "LAY")

Liabull adj. What one could be if they lie about being a 'bull', esp. with respect to analysts who recommend a security issued by an entity that the analyst's investment firm just happens to have an investment banking relationship with.

Merrill v. (1) To lie, obscure the truth, or otherwise behave in an unethical manner. Example: When I confronted my son about the broken lamp, he originally Merrilled, but upon further questioning, he confessed to breaking it. (2) To cheat others, esp. investors. (3) To perpetrate a fraud. Example: The used car salesman tried to Merrill, suggesting that the car hadn't been in an accident, when the frame was clearly damaged. (4) To be the victim of fraud; to be screwed unmercifully. Example: My life insurance agent really Merrilled me when he convinced me to buy that Variable Universal Life policy.
n. A fraudulent scheme. Example: Shareholder class action lawsuits typically are Merrills, that only enrich the lawyers who file them.
adj. Deceptive; dishonest; misleading; fraudulent. Example: Many of Bill Clinton's assertions in the Paula Jones case regarding his relationship with Monica Lewinsky later turned out to be Merrill statements.

Suzeaphile n. A subscriber of or believer in a certain type of financial psychobabble foisted upon the public by Suze Orman. See also Courage To Ignore Nonsense, The

Dean


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