Living Below Your Means
Idiots Of The Open Road

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By schickbrithouse
May 26, 2005

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Having been the target of an attempted drive-by verbal spanking with respect to vehicle parking, I thought it might be useful to vent on some annoying highway spawn of Satan.

1. On-ramp ogres. Look, you twit, the highway engineers designed these things to give you enough room to accelerate to the speed of traffic BEFORE you enter the flow even if you're driving a superannuated Renault Dauphin or a Morris Minor from the 50's. Dawdling along at 35-40 miles an hour before you hit the freeway endangers yourself and others. Use the damned accelerator pedal to accelerate, that's its design purpose.

2. Fast lane dawdlers. Speed up or move over, dimwit. The fast lane is there for a purpose. It's to let people who are driving at the 70 mile speed limit pass you who think that you'll go to Hell for exceeding 55. I'm willing to take my chances with Hell. So are the drivers in the line of cars behind me. It's much safer to pass on the left than it is to move to the right to get around you when there's a line of traffic on the right moving at approximately your velocity.

3. Past due passers. Hey you. Yeah you, the one creating the traveling roadblock. You moved over to pass that car that was in front of you and all you're doing is matching speeds. Passing requires a speed differential between your vehicles and your speed has to be higher. It's a hard concept to get your head around I know, but trust me, you can't pass unless you're going faster than the vehicle along side of which you are now driving.

4. Trucking tyrants. These guys wait until you're almost upon them to pull into the fast lane (where you're driving) in order to pass a another truck going 2 MPH slower. Didn't anyone in truck driving kindergarten ever explain to you that a fully loaded 18 wheeler has virtually no capacity to accelerate when it's already moving at over 60 MPH? There's a hill only about 1/4 mile ahead. It's steep enough and long enough to drop your speed and that of the truck you wanted to pass to around 35 MPH before you both hit the summit. I don't care if the diesel engine in the tractor has 400 HP. My car has a much higher power to weight ratio and could have gotten around you in seconds. Knowing you wanted to pass, I would have even been courteous enough to speed up to minimize your wait. The next nearest vehicle is half a mile behind me. Is your mother both your mother and your aunt and your father also your uncle?

5. Tailgating pond scum. Case 1. Listen up, slick. I'm passing the car on my right and I'll be in a position to move over in about 5 to 7 seconds. Back off and enjoy life. You'll probably live longer. How'd you like me to hit my brakes just long enough and hard enough to cause you to soil your underwear while I'm accelerating away? Case 2. Excuse me, you putz, but there's a lane on the left. I ain't speeding up, so I humbly suggest you move over and pass me if you're in such an all fired hurry. I can do the same to you that I considered doing to the guy in Case 1.

6. Speed deviants. This one really only applies on 2 lane roads. Excuse me for pointing this out, genius, but the speed limit is 55 and you're doing 43. There's no traffic in front of you and not 30 seconds ago you were actually doing nearly 55. Don't you have any control over your right foot? You're driving a nice car that's no doubt equipped with cruise control, it's sunny and the road is dry. Engage the cruise control, you'll be amazed at what it can do. All you have to do to disengage cruise control is tap your brakes lightly. What's that? No, Einstein, I can't pass you. The road is both hilly and curving and so far there hasn't been a spot where I could see oncoming traffic far enough ahead to pass safely. I'm not the only one you're annoying. There are five cars behind me that would like to get a clean shot at you. I'm unarmed, but the guy behind me has a well-equipped gun rack in his pickup and he's reaching for a deer rifle. I think I'll pull over at the first opportunity in order to give him a free fire zone. It's not me he's after since he can see you in front of me.

7. Cell phonies on wheels. I hate to inform you of this fact, dufus, but traffic's slowing down and backing up ahead of us. I can see the brake lights. Obviously you can't or you wouldn't have passed me like that. I don't care if it's costing you $3.00/minute for the 1-900 call, and it machts nichts to me if she's describing what she'd do to you and you're about 3 seconds from an orgasm. You're also only about 10 seconds from a multi-car pileup. It's going to give me extreme pleasure when the cops ask for eyewitnesses. I'll be jumping up and down with my hand in the air shouting, "Pick ME!! Pick ME!!"

Damned if I don't feel better.


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