Dear Mr. President, Become a Complete Fool
As a concerned and conscientious citizen, I wish to save the American taxpayers the cost of a dozen federal agents swarming my home, confiscating my computer and personal papers, and assigning a bunch of techies at Quantico to pour over my finances. These fine government servants are better used for tracking down real threats to national security.
So let me save you all that time and money. Here is the accurate translation of that call to Texas:
The "secret ingredient" that caused a "monumental disaster" is tarragon. The "enormous bomb" that "struck fear and loathing" was, in actuality, a ham. Specifically, the Easter ham, which turned out to be "a bomb". It was not a reference to an attack against Christians, nor was my reference to "going nuclear" a threat to anything other than my own ego.
Granted, that phone conversation elicited maniacal howls of laughter and jeering. But then, my sister always applauds my culinary disasters. When she cheered: "you go, girl!", it may have sounded more like "you have a go" -- but please understand that she was choking on mirth when she said it.
For the record, the "missed opportunity" referred to cloves.
Jeanie (you already know my last name, address, DOB, SSN, etc.)
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Dear Mr. President,
Become a Complete Fool