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If The Onion Wrote Fool Articles...

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By TMFBomb
October 17, 2008

Posts selected for this feature rarely stand alone. They are usually a part of an ongoing thread, and are out of context when presented here. The material should be read in that light. How are these posts selected? Click here to find out and nominate a post yourself!

If The Onion Wrote Fool Articles...

It seems like WWF and soap opera writers are writing the financial news these days.  Each day's events are more outlandish than the next.  So here are some headlines that aren't true, but should be:

Goldman Goes Bankrupt...Comes Out Ahead 

Foolish colleague Morgan Housel and I were speculating that Goldman Sachs will go belly up...but that it will make a profit after shorting its own stock (with leverage and options, of course). 

Bank of America Goes Literal 

Bank of America literally becomes the bank of America after it merges with the U.S. Treasury. 

US Government Taking Over Man U Sponsorship

The federal government notified Manchester United that, effective with next week's game, The "AIG" sponsorship name on their jerseys will be replaced with  "USA", and contain a likeness of Uncle Sam.  In a related matter, all the Man U players have been granted citizenship and the USA Soccer team is now ranked #1 in the world. (compliments of Fool CFO Ollen Douglass).

Do You Want Fry With That? 

Taking its cue from the airline industry, McDonald's downgrades the Big Mac to just one patty and charges an extra quarter for the special sauce.  It is now simply called the Mac.  

Blame Canada

Due to fears of default, everyone stops buying U.S. Treasuries, leading to a U.S. funding crisis.  Canada, tired of all the jokes at its expense, offers to loan the U.S. enough money to stay solvent on one condition.  The condition?  Canada receives warrants which enable it to purchase 79.9% of the U.S. government.  Who's laughing now, eh? 

-A