Why the Kiddie Card?

Hello, I'm Larry McCloskey. I'm so excited to be partnering with The Motley Fool to bring you The Kiddie Card. There’s plenty to read here, but at any time, we’d love to hear what you think, so drop us a note at kiddiecard@fool.com.

To start, I'd like to tell you a little story.

When I was five years old, the only thing I wanted in the world was a pony. I had just seen the movie The Godfather on the big screen, and I remember begging my dad for a horse. But he told me that he couldn’t afford a pony, not even one of those deformed ones that you see at carnivals.

When I pressed the issue, I learned the sad truth. My family was $50,000 in debt, due mostly to the outrageous 20% interest rate my father was paying on his basic credit card purchases. Cabbage Patch Kids, Ginsu steak knives, trips to Boise, jeweled scepters, helipad. I could go on and on.

All my father wanted to do was buy his family the American dream, but instead, he was slowly drowning in debt like a ferret in a barrel of gravy.

And that’s when I became determined to do something about it.

Flash-forward 43 years to the present…

After many decades of hard work and petty legal battles, I’m incredibly honored in partnering with The Motley Fool to introduce the Kiddie Card, a revolutionary credit card that will enable you to buy the stuff you deserve at rates lower than any other card on the market.

The Kiddie Card is exactly what it sounds like–a credit card for your child. And here’s what’s so wonderful about this product:

Your child’s interest rate is equal to 7% + his or her age!

What?!? Holy bazookas, Larry! That’s gotta be a typo right? Only 7% annual interest (plus the age of your child)?!?!

But it’s totally true. No longer will you be crippled by having to pay an average of 15% on your credit card debt. Get this card for your 6-year old, and you’re paying only 13% on all charges. Your 3-year old will be paying an embarrassingly low 10%. And here’s the mind-blower. Give this card to your newborn and you’ll only be charged 7% for all purchases. That’s basically like stealing from me... but hey, I love it!

If I had this card as a toddler, I could have saved my family from disaster.

And I would have grown up owning a pony.

Well, now things have certainly changed. I own seven frickin’ ponies. Heck, I even ride one to work every now and then. But enough about me, right?! Let’s talk about how this amazing card actually works.

Details of the Kiddie Card

Annual Interest Rate (APR) = 7% + Your Age^*

This innovative formula allows us to offer you lower rates and cooler rewards than almost any other card out there.

Age	Kiddie Card	National Average
Newborn	7%	15%
1 year old	8%	15%
2 year old	9%	15%

As you can see from the chart, you’re getting at least a 6% savings on Kiddie Card purchases!

^*The interest rate will increase 1% per year on the birthdate of the cardholder. There is no annual fee.**

^**As long as you charge at least $1000 each year, there is no additional fee for the Kiddie Card. If you purchase less than $1000 annually, there is a $500 annual fee. After the initial contract, you may cancel your Kiddie Card at any time.^***

^***The Kiddie Card must be held for a minimum of 20 years. After that, you are free to cancel—No questions asked!^****

^****We will ask 14 questions.

Other Benefits

• Accepted in 43 U.S. states, as well as Tijuana.
• Credit limit of $10000, raised to $15000 if you maintain a D+ average.
• Valid in most major arcades and circuses.
• Frequent buyer program—For every $5000 in purchases, you will receive 1 free month of The Disney Channel.
• Non-toxic (except in California).

Virtual Pet

Phineus J. Wickenbottom’s Card-o-Tron

With our fancy Card-o-Tron, picking out a credit card is as easy as blowing milk out your nose!

Upgrade to full-color logo?

Boring is fine. Yes!

Don't settle for a dull, gray card!

Gray (lame) Red Purple Gold! (Limited supply)

Choose your virtual pet!

None (sad, lonely)
Simmy, the Monkey

Bolts, the Robot
Paws, the Koala

Add some flair!

Yawn. Stars Bugle Rocket

Now that you’ve customized your card, be sure to fill out the application at the bottom of the page.

APR = 7% plus your child's age.

Custom cards available!!! Contact a customer care representative for more information.

Frequently Asked Questions

Where is the Kiddie Card accepted?

The Kiddie Card is accepted by many major businesses in the U.S. and Tijuana.

So the interest rate for this card increases every year?

Yep! However, once you turn 35, your interest rate is capped. As a reward for your loyalty, we will send you a free bus voucher to the city of your choice.

If a 23 year old has a card, then won’t she be paying a ridiculously high 30% annual rate?

This area is for frequently asked questions, not SAT practice. We’re businessmen, not math majors.

Have you tested this?

We’ve offered the Kiddie Card in Bangladesh for over 20 years. And just recently, we moved to the U.S. where we’ve had great beta tests in orphanages, Detroit, and Beverly Hills.

This seems ridiculously unethical.

I’m sorry, but that wasn’t a question.

Isn’t this ridiculously unethical?

Only one question per person!

Can I sign my fetus up for the Kiddie Card?

Absolutely! However, you will need to send us some amniotic fluid. Also, you may not use the card until your child is born (many couples opt to induce labor early).

If I have twins, triplets, or more, can I get additional cards?

Of course. However, if you have identical twins, triplets, etc., then will we need to permanently mark your children with a tattoo or scar in order to prevent fraud.

How can an octopus-shaped card be swiped?

Start at tentacle #3 and then quickly make a up/down motion with your arm as you slide the card through the reader. It’s really easier than it looks!

Is there a rewards program?

For every $5000 in purchases, you will receive 1 free month of The Disney Channel. And, for a limited time, you earn double rewards when your child spends $3000 or more on any kitchen remodeling, hot-tub installation, or tax preparation.

Can my child use the Kiddie Card to pay his/her share of home bills?

Good thinking. Nothing promotes responsibility better than eliminating handouts. Heating, electricity, cable, phone bills—your child will quickly learn to cope with the real world when the Teletubbies box goes dark.

How can I keep tabs on my child’s spending habits?

The Kiddie Card comes with an intuitive pre-installed Big Parent/Spy Master app that makes it simple and fun to track your child’s purchases!

How can my child use his/her Kiddie Card to invest in stocks, futures, or options?

To buy and sell stocks, simply mail a written letter of intent to McCloskey Capital (our in-house brokerage), and we’ll happily process your trades within the week.

What if my 4-year-old is too emotional to pick stocks or otherwise lacks a natural aptitude for investing?

That’s no problem. You can hedge your bets with the Kiddie Card’s patented Bucket-Shop® feature, which gives you the flexibility to go long or short your child’s future earnings stream.

Apply Now!