6 Things I Refuse to Buy at Costco

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KEY POINTS

  • With thousands of items to choose from, some of them are bound to be unusual.
  • Buying a casket from Costco can make financial sense, as long as you're happy with the style. 
  • There's no way to make every member happy, which helps explain the wide range of sometimes odd products.  

I will gladly try almost anything at Costco, at least once. You never know when you're going to come across a product that's absolutely perfect for you. However, there is no chance I will ever buy any of the following products at Costco. 

1. 72-pound Cheese Wheel

I like cheese as much as the next person, but good gravy. Who needs a 72-pound wheel of parmigiano reggiano? 

The bad news? It's only available through Costco.com.

The good news? Shipping and handling are included in the $950 price. At over $13 a pound, it's not like you'd be saving money

2. 600 Bottle Classic LX Double Wine Cellar

I gotta be honest. If any of my wine-loving friends ever decide to spend $5,700 on a wine cooler for their home, I'm going to be the first one to stage an intervention. Unless a person owns a bar or restaurant, I cannot reconcile spending so much money on a single luxury item, designed to make drinking even more pleasurable. 

Does it look cool with its "VinoView Shelving?" Absolutely. It's gorgeous. It may, however, be a cry for help.

3. 28-pound Bucket of Mac N' Cheese

I recently told a friend that I would be the first to die in an apocalypse. Mainly because I need snacks. I get that people like gearing up for the end of the world, but really, the idea of 240 servings of mac n' cheese makes me sad.

The advertisement promises that this bucket full of carbs has a shelf life of up to 25 years, which immediately made me think it was made specifically for preppers. I stand corrected. Once I saw that there are 204 reviews online, I had to see what folks had to say.

My favorite review came from a lady who says she purchased the bucket for her grandson, who was "pleasantly surprised" the day it arrived. But here's the impressive part: Not only did the reviewer purchase the 240-serving bucket once, but she says she's purchased it again.

I can't help but be impressed, although I don't think I'm willing to shell out $120 for a massive bucket of mac n' cheese anytime soon.

4. The Mother's Casket 

You know that nervous laughter that bubbles up when you're supremely uncomfortable? That's what I experienced the first time I saw The Mother's Casket. My mind didn't quite know what to focus on. Let's face it: The name is both macabre and hysterical. Who thought that was a good idea?

And please, even though I won't ever buy one, allow me to describe this model to you. The first, and possibly most important feature, is that it's pink with what's called "a purple coral finish." There is (of course) a pink velvet interior with the word "Mother" embroidered on the head panel, and an adjustable eternal rest bed. For the life of me, I can't figure out why Mom needs to be able to adjust the head and footrest, but there you have it.

Finally, there's a matching pink pillow and throw. Overall, it's delightful.

I get why people would be attracted to a jazz-hands casket that costs $1,150. Funerals are ridiculously expensive. It's why so many people hold on to enough life insurance to cover their funeral costs.

Although I'd never buy one, I'd love to meet the family who would. They sound like fun.

5. Bote Zeppelin 10" Inflatable Kayak

My husband and I once went on a whitewater rafting trip with about eight other couples, some of whom we barely knew. Between that trip and a kayaking experience we had in Puerto Rico a couple of months ago, I've learned one thing: Sharing a small water vessel with a partner tends to bring out the "real" you.

Two of the couples on that long-ago whitewater rafting trip spent hours bickering -- loudly. One couple would fall out of their kayak and be underwater long enough to provide a few moments of blessed quiet, but then the other couple would start picking at each other. Honestly, I just thought they were broken.

Then, in Puerto Rico, kayaking in the ocean at night, I realized that I don't always trust my husband. I'm pretty sure I let him know. The farther we paddled into the dark water, the more "honest" I became about my feelings. In truth, I was fairly certain he was going to get us killed. (I also realized that I'm terrified of manatees, but that's another story).

The idea of taking a $900 inflatable kayak out on any body of water is more than my heart can handle.

6. Closeout Sushi Tray

I often wonder about sushi here in the Midwest, especially the sushi sold at gas stations. Given the quality of other Costco food products, it's hard to imagine that its sushi might be awful. But according to the folks on one super entertaining Reddit thread, Costco sushi is not always the greatest.

Here are some of my favorite comments from that thread:

  • According to Alternative-Skill167, "It's like chewing soft plastic dipped in soy sauce."
  • TheEZG added this opinion, "Just be prepared for the clearance that will occur in your intestines."

And finally, my favorite. It's from a Redditor with a user name that cannot be printed here. The poster inadvertently compared eating Costco sushi to preparing for a colonoscopy. "Go ahead and get some toilet paper, nausea meds, and Gatorade too."

So, it's a no on the sushi. 

In my life, Costco is like a weird cousin. Once in a while he comes out with something that makes you wonder if he's okay, but most of the time, there's not a thing about him you'd change. 

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