Gillette Sues Schick

The most fascinating story of our time has taken yet another strange twist. Faithful readers will recall that back in May, I announced the Blade Count had reached four. Yes, a generation after Gillette (NYSE: G) introduced the two-blade design, and a few years after the count reached three, Schick is all set to roll out the world's first four-bladed razor.

Why? Because, as an old Saturday Night Live skit reminds us, we'll believe anything.

So, the new twist today is this: Gillette is suing Schick for violating its exclusive patent on absurd marketing ploys. No, wait. Gillette is really suing because Schick's $9 four-blade Quattro allegedly uses the "proprietary progressive blade geometry technology of the [three-blade] Mach3 system." Ha! Who says lawyers don't have a sense of humor?

The lawsuit is asking for a halt to Quattro's planned September rollout, as well as trebled monetary damages. Schick -- which was recently sold by Pfizer (NYSE: PFE) to Energizer Holdings (NYSE: ENR) -- has yet to comment on the situation (probably because its lawyers are trying to think of equally funny stuff to say).

Speaking of lawsuits, I'm getting set to file one myself against humor columnist Dave Barry. Six weeks after my four-blade story, he stole my idea and wrote one of his own. I'm asking for $12.85 in damages for "the publication of an article using proprietary progressive algebraic four-blade humor, while making it exponentially funnier than the original."

However, I'm willing to drop the lawsuit in exchange for the right to reprint Barry's words here because they are so fitting. In a fit of nostalgia, he referred to the days of the one-bladed razor as:

"The Golden Age of Not Having Razor Companies Introduce Some Ludicrously Unnecessary New Shaving Technology Every Ten Damn Minutes."

Amen, brother.