Dueling Fools: Jack Bauer vs. Chuck Norris

April Fool's! We're not turning our backs on investing -- though we did fool some of you.

On "Dueling Fools," we used to cover stock investments. Now that The Motley Fool has expanded into previously uncovered territory, we're able to bring you the Dueling Fools of the Century: Jack Bauer vs. Chuck Norris. Read the Duel! And then vote!

Dueling Fools: Jack Bauer
2:01    
I should start this duel by declaring that I will be interchanging Kiefer Sutherland with Jack Bauer. It's all the same when you're talking about such a Hollywood bad boy.

2:02    
So why is Jack Bauer better than Chuck Norris? Well, he has the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne. His opponent? Norris has the same initials as Chris Noth. Who? Exactly.

2:10
Jack Bauer doesn't rely on Mountain Dew commercials to stay on TV.

2:15
Speaking of which, he also doesn't promote exercise equipment as a means of revenue. Bauer leaves that to Suzanne Sommers ... and Chuck Norris.

2:22
Jack Bauer has a Sony PS2 game based on 24 that was published in 2006. If you turn back time by a quarter-century, Chuck Norris had his own Atari 2600 game titled Chuck Norris Superkicks.

2:24
Kiefer Sutherland joined the Hollywood DUI club. This may not be an advantage, but it's a connection he shares with the rest of the Hollywood "It" crowd. Plus, he actually served the full 48-day sentence, instead of a wimpy 15-minute stint like other celebrities.

2:36
Jack Bauer is efficient. He can take down an entire terrorist network in 24 hours. From nuclear bombs to sentox nerve gas, he needs just one day. Norris needed years, not to mention several sequels, to free Vietnam POWs.

2:43
Jack Bauer facts are better than Chuck Norris facts. For example: Chuck Norris counted to infinity -- twice. Meanwhile, Jack Bauer actually did something important.

2:49
Bauer can weasel any information out of you. Whether by torturing you or becoming a heroin addict to gain your trust, he'll go the extra mile to learn your secrets. Norris can ... unleash a roundhouse kick.

2:53
Bauer doesn't need backup or a weapon. He lives by his morals ... and maybe with Chloe's help, to provide schematics. Anything else just gets in his way.

2:59
Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Jack Bauer. Not even The Motley Fool.

Dueling Fools: Chuck Norris
Some consider it The Ultimate Question of Our Time. No, not "Is there life on other planets?" or "Could God microwave a burrito so hot that even he could not eat it?" The real question is: Who's superior, Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer?

In searching for the answer to The Ultimate Question, I compared the two giants across five categories.

1. Highest Pain Threshold
On 24, Jack Bauer has been tortured, shot, and temporarily killed. In each case, he's come through like a champ. On the other hand, Chuck Norris doesn't feel pain.

Advantage: Chuck

2. Most Lethal
Sorry, this category was patently unfair.

Advantage: Chuck

3. Most Realistic
Jack Bauer is a fictional character who routinely overcomes impossible odds, defies death at every turn, and has unworldly cellular reception. Unlike Jack, Chuck Norris is an actual person (or man-god, depending on your denomination). However, if you've ever seen Chuck fight or act, you know he's too good to be true. Unreal, even.

Advantage: Jack

4. Best Interpersonal Communicator
Jack Bauer:
[To Joseph Prado, after breaking every finger in his hand] This will help you with the pain. [Knocks him unconscious.]

Chuck Norris:
Criminal: Ranger, you screwed up! You forgot to read us our rights.
Ranger Cordell Walker: You're right! You have the right (kicks the criminal) to remain silent.

Advantage: Chuck

5. Best Random Fact
Jack Bauer: The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Chuck Norris: On the set of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse-kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.

Advantage: Push

And there you have it, folks. 3-1-1, Chuck. Case closed.

Who won this Duel? Let us know! Vote now!

Katrina Chan believes that Jack Bauer can get any information out of Joe Magyer. Even information that Joe isn't aware of. Joe Magyer is long Chuck Norris, short Jack Bauer. Neither Katrina nor Joe owns shares in any of the companies mentioned. The Motley Fool's disclosure policy doesn't have time for your petty, bleeding-heart "civil liberties."


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