There is no comedy late-night show for investors. Sorry, folks, but Mad Money doesn't count. (I still like you, Jimbo.)
However, since Leno and Letterman are unlikely to be sharing business jokes any time soon, I figured I'd give it a shot by rattling off a few riddles that only your fellow stock junkies around the water cooler would get.
Whether they enjoy my contributions -- or even laugh at them -- is something else entirely. You do get what you pay for, after all … so bring on the free jokes!
1. What's the difference between Borders Group (NYSE: BGP ) and the cast of characters in ABC's hit series Lost?
One was lost leaving Australia, while the other left Australia because it was lost.
2. Why should Cap'n Crunch and the Quaker oatmeal guy be worried?
Because Smucker (NYSE: SJM ) is slowly taking over the breakfast table. The jelly king entered into a roughly $3 billion deal to acquire Procter & Gamble's (NYSE: PG ) java giant Folgers. Who knows what unsuspecting breakfast icon may be next!
3. Shares of Vail Resorts (NYSE: MTN ) fell last week after the Colorado ski-resort operator missed analyst projections for its seasonally telltale quarter. Pick your favorite sourly cynical headline:
- Goodbye, Vail Resorts. Hello, Bail Resorts.
- It's Snow Good
- Rocky Mountain High? Not!
- Snow Bored
There is no right answer, though I'd love to see you add your own comical headline in the comment box at the bottom of this page.
4. Several leading mall specialty retailers and department-store chains posted sharp drops in their same-store sales for the month of May. Finish this sentence: Things have gotten so bad at the mall that …
- Old Navy has called in the Marines.
- Abercrombie & Fitch (NYSE: ANF ) has scantily clad models because it can't afford to clothe them.
- Victoria is selling her secret in a tell-all book.
- Instead of handing out food samples in the food court, the chains are rifling through patrons' pockets to find enough grub to feed themselves.
Oh, there is no right answer here, either, but I'd also love to see you finish that sentence in the comment box below, too.
5. Why did Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke try to talk up the value of the dollar during last week's International Monetary Conference?
Because he was Fed up with the Treasury's ineffectiveness in beefing up the buck.
It misinterpreted the "take it off" cheers from its customers.