Fool Blog: If "The Onion" Wrote for the Fool

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It seems as if soap opera writers are penning the financial news these days. Each day's events are more outlandish than the next. So here are some headlines that aren't true but should be. (Translation for the humorless: This is a parody.)

Goldman goes bankrupt ... comes out ahead
Foolish colleague Morgan Housel and I were speculating that Goldman Sachs (NYSE: GS) will go belly-up ... but that it will make a profit after shorting its own stock -- with leverage and options, of course. 

Bank of America goes literal
Bank of America (NYSE: BAC) literally becomes the bank of America after it merges with the U.S. Treasury.

U.S. government taking over Man U sponsorship
The federal government notified Manchester United that, effective with next week’s game, the AIG (NYSE: AIG) sponsorship name on their jerseys will be replaced with the letters "USA" and contain a likeness of Uncle Sam. In a related matter, all the Man U players have been granted citizenship, and the USA soccer team is now ranked No. 1 in the world. (This item compliments of Fool CFO Ollen Douglass.)

Do you want fries with that? 
Taking its cue from the airline industry, McDonald's (NYSE: MCD) downgrades the Big Mac to just one all-beef patty and charges an extra quarter for the special sauce. It is now simply called the Mac.

Blame Canada
Because of fears of default, everyone stops buying U.S. Treasuries, and a U.S. funding crisis ensues. Canada, tired of all of the jokes at its expense, offers to lend the U.S. enough money to stay solvent on one condition. The condition? Canada receives warrants that let it purchase 79.9% of the U.S. government. Who's laughing now, eh? 

More Foolishness:

• Dear Wall Street: We're Watching You
• Fool Blog: Last Week's Top 10 Financial Shocks
• Cramer to the Market: Now Is the Time to Panic