The Onion's Biggest Competitor: Reality

Sometimes I feel like the crazy folks over at The Onion are the only ones keeping me sane. Unfortunately, though, America's Finest News Source may have an emerging and major rival in the whole "satirical fake news" arena: reality. And that really can't be good for our collective sanity.

I'm paraphrasing a bit, but these Onion-esque headlines are real news tidbits:

  • Chrysler Pays Back TARP With TALF
    "I just paid back my American Express (NYSE: AXP  ) with my Visa (NYSE: V  ) . Now I'm gonna pay my Visa with my Discover card (NYSE: DFS  ) . Hey, look, I'm paying stuff back! Yay me!"
  • GM Warns Stock Has No Value
    "Um, seriously, we're bankrupt. There's nothing for shareholders. Yes, by 'shareholders,' we mean you, too. No, 'new GM' has nothing to do with those old shares. So you, uh, might want to stop trading them."
  • Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC  ) Sues Itself
    I joked a week or two with a friend about suing ourselves for being so awesome it hurts, but I'm pretty darn sure Wells Fargo has a different motive for its lawsuit. I don't really know what it's suing itself for, and I think I'm too weirded out to care.
  • Bank of America (NYSE: BAC  ) and Citigroup (NYSE: C  ) Are On Super-Secret Probation.
    ... Yeah, I'll let TMFNewsDesk field this one.

Area woman prepares for zombie apocalypse
I was already worried that, given all the zombie companies our government's been propping up, our economy might face some sort of brain-eating armageddon. But these loony headlines have given me additional zombie-related concerns. How long can we last under this barrage of nonsensical but utterly true news until our brains melt down and we're reduced to drooling, shuffling automatons? George Romero, eat your heart out. (Not literally, of course -- it's probably dangerous to give that man ideas of a flesh-eating nature.)

At least there's one bright spot: The sudden glut of competition from our increasingly less-than-free market should keep The Onion on its toes, humorwise. Honestly, though, I'd be happy to see The Onion have an easier time of it, as long as that meant more sanity in our daily news -- and our businesses.

American Express and Discover Financial Services are Motley Fool Inside Value recommendations. The Fool owns shares of American Express. Try any of our Foolish newsletter services free for 30 days.

Area Fool Alyce Lomax does not own shares of any of the companies mentioned. The Fool's disclosure policy taught Smoove B everything he knows.


Read/Post Comments (5) | Recommend This Article (29)

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Help us keep this a respectfully Foolish area! This is a place for our readers to discuss, debate, and learn more about the Foolish investing topic you read about above. Help us keep it clean and safe. If you believe a comment is abusive or otherwise violates our Fool's Rules, please report it via the Report this Comment Report this Comment icon found on every comment.

  • Report this Comment On July 17, 2009, at 2:57 PM, xserver wrote:
  • Report this Comment On July 17, 2009, at 3:16 PM, TMFLomax wrote:

    Ha! Nice one, xserver.

  • Report this Comment On July 18, 2009, at 7:20 PM, dbbfool63 wrote:

    It use to be said & probably still does that the consumers are issued to much credit and causing them to live well beyond there means to where they can't pay these debt's.

    What those idiots never seemed to understand is that we learned it from our government.

    With that in mind, unfortunately we also learned how to make it worse by using the Peter & Paul Syndrome.

    I think they called it Creative Financing.

  • Report this Comment On July 25, 2009, at 2:11 PM, greenwave3 wrote:

    Yep, it is certainly a great enigma as to how RadioShack is still around.

  • Report this Comment On July 30, 2009, at 2:13 PM, rfaramir wrote:

    Alyce, with writing like this you truly are approaching "so awesome it hurts" but don't sue yourself! Just keep it up.

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