Sometimes I feel like the crazy folks over at The Onion are the only ones keeping me sane. Unfortunately, though, America's Finest News Source may have an emerging and major rival in the whole "satirical fake news" arena: reality. And that really can't be good for our collective sanity.
I'm paraphrasing a bit, but these Onion-esque headlines are real news tidbits:
- Chrysler Pays Back TARP With TALF
"I just paid back my American Express (NYSE: AXP ) with my Visa (NYSE: V ) . Now I'm gonna pay my Visa with my Discover card (NYSE: DFS ) . Hey, look, I'm paying stuff back! Yay me!"
- GM Warns Stock Has No Value
"Um, seriously, we're bankrupt. There's nothing for shareholders. Yes, by 'shareholders,' we mean you, too. No, 'new GM' has nothing to do with those old shares. So you, uh, might want to stop trading them."
- Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC ) Sues Itself
I joked a week or two with a friend about suing ourselves for being so awesome it hurts, but I'm pretty darn sure Wells Fargo has a different motive for its lawsuit. I don't really know what it's suing itself for, and I think I'm too weirded out to care.
- Bank of America (NYSE: BAC ) and Citigroup (NYSE: C ) Are On Super-Secret Probation.
... Yeah, I'll let TMFNewsDesk field this one.
Area woman prepares for zombie apocalypse
I was already worried that, given all the zombie companies our government's been propping up, our economy might face some sort of brain-eating armageddon. But these loony headlines have given me additional zombie-related concerns. How long can we last under this barrage of nonsensical but utterly true news until our brains melt down and we're reduced to drooling, shuffling automatons? George Romero, eat your heart out. (Not literally, of course -- it's probably dangerous to give that man ideas of a flesh-eating nature.)
At least there's one bright spot: The sudden glut of competition from our increasingly less-than-free market should keep The Onion on its toes, humorwise. Honestly, though, I'd be happy to see The Onion have an easier time of it, as long as that meant more sanity in our daily news -- and our businesses.