Dear SEC, Welcome Back

Hey, champ! You're back! Boy, did we miss you.

We just read about the whole Goldman thing. Yes, it was very impressive.

You probably know this already, but since you've been gone, we've taken quite the licking. We were starting to think this whole thing was rigged. But, that's the end of that. You're back for good now, right?

Long time no see!
A lot of us shareholders wondered if you were ever going to be a contender again. Sarbanes-Oxley came and went. We had a few good years of clean air. Then, poof! Like Keyser Soze or Ricky Williams, you were totally gone.

What? You didn't know that we need you here on your game the whole time? Well, we do, champ. There are no days off in this game, no vacations. This is not a set it and forget it market. By now, you should know that when things are going fine, you've got to work even harder.  

It's showtime
These executives are always trying to make things appear better than they really are -- and that's just how it starts. One day, they're tweaking earnings. The next, they're nuking retirement pensions. You'd do us all a favor if you tackled some of these young punks sooner. We shouldn't always have to wait for them to start creating real problems in the market before you do anything about it.

Sure, we know you just prefer to make a big show when you take down a big fish. We understand -- better pay-per-view sales. But the truth is, you probably could have avoided the whole Lehman Brothers debacle before it got stripped apart and scooped up by Barclays (NYSE: BCS  ) , just by making a bit more of an effort.

In the meantime, you've got to earn your reputation back. That whole Madoff fiasco didn't help, you know. Yes, well, people tend to get upset about multibillion-dollar oversights.

What's that, champ? You couldn't have knocked him out even if someone had told you precisely how? Of course you couldn't have. That guy was way too slick. There was more performance-enhancement going on there than your average baseball-playing, European cyclist. 

Hit the pavement
Just wait till you hear what some of these bankers have been up to. You're going to lick your chops.

Now, I know you're excited to be back, and trust us, we're happy to see you. But, we do have one word of advice before you put those gloves back on. You can't just go right out and expect to be No. 1 again. It takes hard work to be the fearsome fighter you once were.

In fact, we must say you're looking a little flabby around the midsection. You haven't been working out, have you? That's what happens when you go on vacation for too long. You get a little soft, and you lose a step.

By the way
While we're on the subject, some of us thought you might have gotten a bit ahead of yourself in the last few days. Goldman Sachs (NYSE: GS  ) is kind of the main bully on the playground these days, you know? Don't get us wrong. The list of overdue comeuppance for that company reads longer than Ben Roethlisberger's rap sheet. After what they did to AIG (NYSE: AIG  ) , Royal Bank of Scotland (NYSE: RBS  ) , ABN AMRO, a bunch of other financial institutions, the U.S. government, and of course, us, we all think they deserve a good whooping.

But this is Goldman we're talking about here. They've got money, the best lawyers, and all those alumni who seem to end up in pretty much every government office between the Treasury Building and the Park Service. This feels like Homer Simpson taking on Drederick Tatum.  

Go get 'em
Your chances? Well, they're not so great. Some people are saying you're just doing this as a smokescreen so your buddies in Congress can hamstring them on their turf. But if you work really, really hard, we think you could take them out on your own. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since you've jumped into the ring with a real fighter. Vegas thinks you're going to go down in the fifth.

Whatever happened to scheduling a few tune-up fights before the title fight, you know? Put a few easy companies on the mat, a few execs in the can, get your wind back. Work your way back up the ladder. It would have been great. This is totally different. None of us are convinced this particular strategy was such a smart one. Inspiring? Yes. Intelligent? Hmmm, we'll see.

Just do your best
You know, it's OK if you lose this one. We know you've got your "reasons" for picking this fight. Just hang in there for as long as you can. That's all anyone really expects. But don't make idiots out of us. If Goldman flattens you right off the bat, we're going to have serious problems convincing anyone that you are, in fact, back for good.

Just try to stick around this time after the fight is over.

Who's going to win this battle? Sound off in the comments section below.

Fool Nick Kapur hates extended analogies, but encourages you to get back in the ring. He owns no securities mentioned in this article. The Fool's disclosure policy is the greatest.


Read/Post Comments (5) | Recommend This Article (9)

Comments from our Foolish Readers

Help us keep this a respectfully Foolish area! This is a place for our readers to discuss, debate, and learn more about the Foolish investing topic you read about above. Help us keep it clean and safe. If you believe a comment is abusive or otherwise violates our Fool's Rules, please report it via the Report this Comment Report this Comment icon found on every comment.

  • Report this Comment On April 27, 2010, at 9:09 PM, xetn wrote:

    Trash!

  • Report this Comment On April 28, 2010, at 5:04 AM, robcerra wrote:

    I was in law enforcement for 20 plus years - on one ocassion I interacted with the SEC. After a meeting with some of their "investigators" I was convinced they would do nothing and we were wasting our time with them.

    The SEC problems such as their nvestigative response to to Bernie Madoff are not going to be solved with more regulations.

    We need pitbulls and we are stuck with poodles

  • Report this Comment On April 28, 2010, at 7:02 AM, RagnarRedbeard wrote:

    The real problem with the SEC is that they all go to the same schools, get the same degrees and work in the same industry. They all know each other either directly or thru friends. How can anyone honestly expect them to be real watchdogs?

  • Report this Comment On April 28, 2010, at 9:49 AM, kgeechee wrote:

    "we are stuck with poodles"

    I have two mini poodles. Yes, the little female wags her tail and is very lovable.

    The male is a different story. He is lovable at home, but if anyone tries to sit by my garnddaughter, he will defend her to the DEATH! Quite a sight to see.

    Now, I have "owned" a female Airedale Terrier (really, no one owns an Airedale) who was the BEST family protector you will ever see, God Rest her Soul. No comparison to an Airedale. Funny, Charming, Playful when you want it and a Bolt of Canine Fury when you need it.

  • Report this Comment On April 28, 2010, at 5:44 PM, WyattJunker wrote:

    Great. The SEC just became another political arm of the DNC to help cram their bill thru, which really was just a cynical ploy to cash in on the mid-terms using populist rhetoric against the GOP.

    That's even worse than having a do-nothing SEC. Now we have a political action committee throwing people in jail in the name of Nancy Pelosi on a weak 3-2 all partisan vote.

    Someone needs to investigate the SEC and perhaps this entire administration.

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