This is your red-letter day, dear reader. If you hadn't happened upon this article, your life might have unraveled in a most unfortunate way. You might have -- gasp! -- invested in mutual funds!
As Shakespeare might say, "Heaven forfend!"
I'm here to steer you away from dastardly mutual funds and toward more sensible investments. Such as ... well, I'll think of some soon. In the meantime, let me list the countless drawbacks of mutual funds.
If you invest in a mutual fund, you'll instantly be invested in, say, 50 to several hundred stocks (or bonds, or what have you). Invest in a broad-market index fund -- for example, one based on the S&P 500 -- and you'll own a stake in 500 of America's biggest companies, such as US Bancorp (NYSE: USB ) , Philip Morris International (NYSE: PM ) , and Yahoo! (Nasdaq: YHOO ) . Over many decades, the S&P 500 has averaged annual gains of about 10%.
That's nice, but an average of just 10% per year? Sure, that's more than the long-term average gains of bonds, real estate, and lots of other things. But come on, you gorbellied, knotty-pated hugger-mugger -- that's playing it too safe!
If you invest all of your money in just one or two stocks, you might do much better than 10%. Nike (NYSE: NKE ) , for example, sports an average annual return of 15% over the past 15 years, while Cisco has averaged 14%.
Of course, not every company fares as well. Crocs (Nasdaq: CROX ) has lost 95% of its value in just the past year, while over the past decade, shares of Ford (NYSE: F ) have ... well ... you get the idea.
Some favor mutual funds because they allow trained professionals, some with sound ethics and deep insight, to invest your money for you. Well, I suppose that's fine -- if you're a fobbing, clay-brained measle.
Don't you have any respect for yourself? Do you really need someone else to manage your money? I suppose you don't pull your own teeth, either? You just wuss out and leave that to a "professional." And how hard is it, really, to rewire a house? Electrician, shmelectrician.
OK, so mutual funds, at least the good ones, don't cost too much. Investing advisors can take 2% or more of your assets each year -- plus a share of your gains -- in exchange for their professional guidance. In comparison, some index funds charge less than 0.25%, while many well-managed mutual funds charge around 1% or less.
If you wanted to buy into 20 companies on your own, it wouldn't be cost-effective to do so without many thousands of dollars at your disposal. True, with mutual funds, you can spread as little as $1,000 or less across a wide range of companies.
But why do that when you could just put all of your money in one stock? Sure, it's rather risky, but it won't cost you much, relatively speaking. If you plunk your entire $50,000 investment into one stock, the brokerage commission might be just $10 or $25 or $50. That's peanuts. There's your low cost, you yeasty, bat-fowling coxcomb, you.
Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too, don't you, you puking, ill-breeding canker-blossom? You want to be able to add to your investments regularly over time, without incurring copious commission fees? You like that you can regularly invest in a few well-managed mutual funds painlessly and inexpensively?
Fine. Suit yourself, you droning, rude-growing pignut.
My simple plan of putting it all in one stock makes dollar-cost averaging easy. Though if you're just plunking $25 at a time into stocks, and paying a $10 commission to do so, you're not doing yourself any favors.
Sure, you can cite other so-called advantages of mutual funds. They make record-keeping easier, for example. They're very liquid, so you can cash out quickly if you need to (as opposed to, say, real estate).
There's even a wide array of funds to choose from, including many that focus on companies by size, geographic region, industry, social responsibility, growth, or income. Go ahead and dwell on these if you want, you infectious, swag-bellied vassal.
And you, too, my fellow Foolish writers, you frothy, pox-marked gudgeons. I know that many of you look kindly on mutual funds. Rich Greifner, I know you think that funds are the "Best. Investments. Ever." Tim Hanson and Brian Richards, I know you think you've found the market's 10 best funds.
That kind of pro-fund enthusiasm must be why, several years ago, we launched an investment service dedicated to introducing investors to some "top-notch" mutual funds. (And we're pointing out that now is a particularly great time to invest, too.) I suppose there's some sense to that, since many weedy, half-faced mammets will still opt for mutual funds, no matter how much common sense I try to beat into them. (And, OK, I concede that the service is doing rather well, with its picks beating the market handily.)
So go ahead, you beslubbering, flap-mouthed harpies. Go sign up for a free trial of our Motley Fool Champion Funds newsletter, which offers regular fund recommendations monthly in an easy-to-digest format. See if I care. A free trial gives you access to all past issues, so you can read about each recommendation in detail ... you goatish, earth-vexing nut-hook.
This article was first published July 16, 2007. It has been updated.
Longtime Fool contributor Selena Maranjian owns shares of no company mentioned in this article. She tapped the services of a Shakespearean insult generator for this article. US Bancorp is a Motley Fool Income Investor pick. The Motley Fool is Fools writing for Fools.