Where Are My Naked Shorts?

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My parents like to tell me that as a kid, I was so homely they had to tie a squirrel around my neck to get the dog to play with me. I just wish it had been a dead squirrel.

But seriously, folks, these days, I'm feeling just as unpopular. You see, everywhere I look, people are having fun with naked shorts. Indeed, following the always interesting, always entertaining charges of Overstock.com (Nasdaq: OSTK) CEO Patrick Byrne, naked shorting looks like it could become the excuse dujour.

Our friends at TaserInternational (Nasdaq: TASR) used it today to try to blow a little smoke over the small matter of a formalized SEC investigation.

Would it be so hard to get some naked-short love for my portfolio? Why would I ask?

Because, unlike a lot of people out there who are happy only when their stock prices are going up, I really am a value guy. As long as I'm buying, which is almost always, I would rather see things get cheaper, especially because I don't buy anything (with few exceptions) but companies that are profitable, cheap, and well-positioned for the long term. In other words, companies that aren't going to be held back by short-term market chicanery, no matter what the source.

If this whole naked shorting thing is as easy to do as everyone claims, why not take down something big and healthy like Lowe's (NYSE: LOW)? How many of you out there wouldn't like a shot at some Altria (NYSE: MO) at a special 20% naked discount?

Good luck. You won't find any of these on the Reg SHO list. I wonder why.

Instead, with few exceptions, the Reg SHO lists are full of the scariest-looking market muck you've ever seen. For every risky-but-potential winner like Netflix (Nasdaq: NFLX) or Baidu.com (Nasdaq: BIDU) on the list, there are half a dozen penny-stock nightmares like Zix, ProsoftLearning, or 2TheMart.com (0.8 cents a share!).

So listen up, all you naked shorts out there. I would prefer it if you mended your ways and flew above board. But if you cannot help continuing with your dastardly, illegal trading, at least do me a small favor. Leave poor Taser and Overstock alone. And the rest of those belabored pennies. They've got plenty of their own problems to deal with -- like revenues, profits, SEC investigations, lawsuits, and so forth. Pick on someone your own size, Sithy, and cut the rest of us a deal.

For related Foolishness:

• Most juicy conspiracy theories don't hold up so well.
• Keep your mind on your money and your eyes on the wise.
• If the market's so crooked, why bother at all?

Overstock.com and Taser are Motley Fool Rule Breakers picks. Netflix is a Motley Fool Stock Advisor pick. For a 30-day free trial, click here and here, respectively.

Seth Jayson is big on shorts, though he's rarely naked. At the time of publication, he had positions in no company mentioned here. View his stock holdings and Fool profile here. Fool rules are here.