Friday, March 27, 1998

Cash-King Portfolio Report
by Rob Landley
(landley@flash.net)

Alexandria, VA (Mar. 27, 1998) -- Word from Fool Global HQ is that the sun is gleaming in through all windows and the thermometer outside reads 80 degrees. Oh, man. In the spirit of oncoming summer, I offer a shortened report today. On Monday, Tom Gardner returns to the column. He tells me that he's committing all of next week's reports to a colorful and numerical review of Coca-Cola's business and a look at its just-released 1997 Annual Report.

I've decided to come atcha like David Letterman on this sunny Friday. Thus, from the home office in Alexandria, VA here are...

The top ten signs that you may have made a bad investment...

Number Ten

The company's new stock buyback plan promises to repurchase all the stock owned by the Board of Directors first.

Number Nine

Before pitching you that last stock, your broker celebrated that his alma mater had just named its library after you.

Number Eight

Your company just issued a dividend with money it borrowed from a man named Tiny.

Number Seven

New company spokesman Jerry Rice heard bragging on CNBC about "having the most receivables in the industry."

Number Six

Corporate documents reveal that the company's next annual meeting will be held on Flinders Island south of Australia "sometime this winter."

Number Five

Your Board of Directors is demanding that Steve Jobs

run the business from here.

Number Four

Their balance sheet has an entire section devoted to "lottery tickets."

Number Three

Company name? Woolworth.

Number Two

The company's P/E is also its phone number.

And the Number One sign you might just have made a bad investment...

Three words: "Reverse stock split!"

Have a great weekend, Fools!

Rob Landley


TODAY'S NUMBERS

Stock  Change    Bid 
 ---------------- 
 CHV   -1 5/16  83.00 
 KO    -1 3/16  75.19 
 EK    +  5/8   63.94 
 XON   -  9/16  67.63 
 GM    -  1/16  68.31 
 INTC  +  3/4   78.88 
 MSFT  -  5/8   87.75 
 PFE   +1 5/16  95.75 
 TROW  +  3/8   69.75 
 
                  Day   Month    Year  History 
         C-K      -0.05%   1.39%   3.17%   3.17% 
         S&P:     -0.49%   4.39%   9.40%   9.40% 
         NASDAQ:  -0.27%   3.00%  10.33%  10.33% 
  
     Rec'd    #  Security     In At       Now    Change 
    2/3/98    22 Pfizer        82.30     95.75    16.34% 
    2/3/98    24 Microsoft     78.27     87.75    12.11% 
    2/27/98   27 Coca-Cola     69.11     75.19     8.80% 
    3/12/98   20 Exxon         64.34     67.63     5.11% 
    2/6/98    28 T. Rowe Pr    67.35     69.75     3.57% 
    3/12/98   20 Eastman Ko    63.15     63.94     1.25% 
    3/12/98   15 Chevron       83.34     83.00    -0.41% 
    3/12/98   17 General Mo    72.41     68.31    -5.65% 
    2/13/98   22 Intel         84.67     78.88    -6.85% 
  
  
     Rec'd    #  Security     In At     Value    Change 
    2/3/98    22 Pfizer      1810.58   2106.50   $295.92 
    2/3/98    24 Microsoft   1878.45   2106.00   $227.55 
    2/27/98   27 Coca-Cola   1865.89   2030.06   $164.17 
    2/6/98    28 T. Rowe Pr  1885.70   1953.00    $67.30 
    3/12/98   20 Exxon       1286.70   1352.50    $65.80 
    3/12/98   20 Eastman Ko  1262.95   1278.75    $15.80 
    3/12/98   15 Chevron     1250.14   1245.00    -$5.14 
    3/12/98   17 General Mo  1230.89   1161.31   -$69.58 
    2/13/98   22 Intel       1862.83   1735.25  -$127.58 
  
                               CASH   $5666.26 
                              TOTAL  $20634.64 
   
 *The year for the S&P and Nasdaq will be as of 02/03/98