Let's open up a theme park!
Why not? Everyone else seems bent on selling the ones they've got. The Paramount Parks chain officially went on the block last week, and Six Flags
Let's start passing the hat around. Kick in some coin if you're ready for a Motley Fool amusement park -- or at least give us a verbal commitment to buying annual passes for you and yours.
This won't be just any kind of gated attraction. Sure, we'll have some neat rides, great eats, and showy entertainment, but if we're going to do this, we may as well theme it right.
Get ready to ride
Picture an oasis of controlled mayhem, wondrous enchantment, and shiny turnstiles. Can you picture the giant jester cap serving as the iconic hub to thrills and frills galore? Oh, we'll get the coolest themed rides.
You know, things like:
- The Brokerage Shop of Horrors, where guests ride around in the dark as menacing self-serving brokers churn your car around until you're spun dizzy. It won't be just your head that comes out a little light, cupcake.
- The Maven-Go-Round, which will have you going in circles as magnetic market moguls change their minds at a frenetic pace. Don't even try to grab that brass ring, kid. It's never going to be in the same place twice.
- The Fare's Wheel. This one starts off as a gentle ride through serene sightlines and swooping vistas, but then the gondolas start rocking. Mutual fund managers who either trade ahead of their account holders or have the gall to peddle chunky loads on top of subpar-performing vehicles sway you violently. Try not to hurl on the poor saps waiting to ride below.
Sure, apart from the mayhem they inflict, the rides will pack an educational punch. Just make sure you grab yourself a map on the way in to find everything. You don't want to get lost in the splendor of sarcasm or miss out on the irony-flavored ice cream.
How to get around
Like most parks, we'll have various themed areas. In honor of our popular newsletters, let's doll up the areas according to our various analysts.
Stock Advisor Street is where your adventure begins. You'll quickly notice that both sides of the street are endearing in their own way but vastly different. David Gardner's side features futuristic buildings and a whole lot of cool concept art, while Tom Gardner's side is loaded with quality architecture that's built to last. When you see these sights, you'll know why Stock Advisor has done so well with its co-advisors' two distinct approaches to investing and why each one has crushed Wall Street's averages. Yes, this was the newsletter that recommended picking up some Marvel Entertainment
Durell Falls will showcase rides that folks don't seem to be lining up in droves for these days, even though those attractions still provide an enriching experience. I'm talking retro stuff here, like whips and flume rides that are still a whole lot of fun. Come on over, and you'll see how Philip Durell has helped guide the bargain-hunting investor to market-thumping results at Inside Value. Some of these rides aren't only cheap and timeless but also likely to come back into favor. You know, like GTECH Holdings
Brokamp Mountain -- yes, Brokamp Mountain; check the map -- features lemonade-sippers in comfy rocking chairs and some other folks lounging in beach chairs and drinking more potent libations -- ones with the little frilly umbrellas sticking out. Robert Brokamp's Rule Your Retirement crowd knows that the golden years aren't often this idyllic. That's why the subscribers consist of a cross-section of folks who are either already retired or are just forward-thinking investors who want to make sure that they're in good shape when they do retire. Park guests will feel a sense of control and tranquility as they stroll through the area. Don't forget to try some of that mint julep taffy and corn bread casserole.
Emmertsville will have some of the longest lines in the park. That's OK. The guests don't mind at all, because they're actually getting paid to wait in line! Yes, Mathew Emmert's Income Investor fans know that big dividends reward patient shareholders. Mathew's also got a knack for finding companies that keep hiking their payouts. One of his newsletter picks -- and one I own a stake in -- is regional amusement park operator Cedar Fair
Hidden Gems Overlook won't even be on the map, but you'd be wise to track this section down. It's where Tom Gardner and his Motley Fool Hidden Gems team of analysts scour the markets for promising shadow stocks. One of the newsletter's biggest winners is a company by the name of Middleby
Zimmerman Heights will offer variety in a single wallop. The restaurant will be an international smorgasbord, and the store stocks a little bit of everything. Shannon Zimmerman's Champion Funds members, after all, appreciate getting some breadth with a single purchase. That's the great thing about mutual fund investing -- as long as you're buying the right funds. And that's what Shannon is all about.
Rule Breaker Ridge is my kind of place, with the wildest rides. Here, ultimate growth investing is always on the menu, courtesy of the Rule Breakers newsletter experience. The coasters here certainly have their ups and downs. It's where the stocks of tomorrow -- like consumer robotics innovator iRobot
If you build it, they will fund
Haven't persuaded you yet? Did I mention the fried Twinkies? How about the dunk tank, where we get clowns dressed up as market gurus (like those on CNBC, only a lot wetter)? Yes, I can already sense you reaching for the atlas to start mapping your way to Follywood USA.
It's going to be pretty neat. Now the only question that remains is whether Six Flags or Paramount will lower their asking price enough for me to scoop up one of those parks for the change in my pocket and the inspiration in your heart.
Longtime Fool contributor Rick Munarriz enjoys taking his family on coaster treks over the summer. Follywood USA would be his kind of place. He owns units in Cedar Fair. T he Fool has a disclosure policy. He is also part of the Rule Breakers newsletter research team, seeking out tomorrow's ultimate growth stocks a day early.