My name's Morgan, and I'm a drug addict. I have been for years. I get lit every morning at about 6:30, like clockwork. Since I was about four years old, actually.

At least that's what the Food and Drug Administration tells me.

Cheerios, you see, should be classified as a drug, according to the FDA. Yes, Cheerios, the cereal ... this isn't a code name for a new type of amphetamine.

As the FDA wrote to Cheerios parent General Mills (NYSE:GIS):

Based on claims made on your product's label, we have determined that your Cheerios Toasted Whole Grain Oat Cereal is promoted for conditions that cause it to be a drug because the product is intended for use in the prevention, mitigation, and treatment of disease.

Is this April 1? Amazingly, no. This is real. The FDA demands that General Mills classify Cheerios as a drug because the company claims that it reduces cholesterol, which can lower the rate of heart disease. "Because of these intended uses, the product is a drug," says the FDA.

Mind you, everything high in fiber should now be classified as a drug, by this logic. So keep an eye on Grandpa when he downs another glass of Metamucil.

I can't blame the FDA for doing its job. What's funny about this little revelation is that we have government rules and disclosures designed to protect consumers against the perils of toasted oat cereal, but still scarcely anything to protect them against toxic financial products, deceptive lending, and imploding financial markets.

If toasted oat cereal is a drug, what's a subprime mortgage? If General Mills is classified as a merchant of drugs, what are AIG (NYSE:AIG), Bank of America (NYSE:BAC), and Citigroup (NYSE:C)? Inquiring minds want to know.

For related Foolishness:

Fool contributor Morgan Housel doesn't own shares of any of the companies mentioned in this article, but his kitchen is stocked full of the good stuff. The Fool has a disclosure policy.