NEW YORK — One hundred forty-eight million eight hundred thousand and five Americans woke up and went to work Monday in what economists called a "remarkable, collective effort of people trying to improve their lives and take care of their families."
Analysts also confirmed that about 30 million U.S. companies were open for business, with widespread reports of an urge to innovate and keep up with competition.
"We tend to see this on Mondays," said John Peterson, a Goldman Sachs analyst. "People wake up, go to work, make money, pay their bills, save the rest, and get on with life."
American businesses earned $4.62 billion of net income Monday. Financial advisors, analysts, and brokers, collected $630 million in fees. The difference will accrue to investors' net worths over time, analysts said.
"Our outlook calls for the same thing on Tuesday, continuing into Wednesday," Peterson said. "People go to work. Businesses innovate and reinvest the profits, and it just cycles on from there."
About five thousand workers were laid off on Monday, and more than 4,000 companies went out of business. But more than 13,000 workers were hired, and more than 5,000 new businesses were created. Technical analysts studying charts called it a "classic capitalism pattern" and expected it to continue.
Fifty-five million American kids went to school Monday, compounding the knowledge learned from all previous generations. Analysts confirmed that many of them will become doctors, engineers, and scientists.
In San Francisco, 30-year-old Megan Johnson said the line at her local Chipotle was out the door and wrapped around the building, in what she described as "a pretty clear example of what happens when a company takes a simple product like a burrito and puts a little more effort into making it better than the competition."
By the end of the day, 1,604 patent applications had been filed with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. "Most of those ideas won't go anywhere," said PTO analyst Greg Jones. "But a few will be huge. Ten, 20 years from now, a handful of patents filed on Monday will change the world. That's so cool to think about."
In Palo Alto, Calif., there were widespread reports of 19-year-old Stanford students tinkering with gadgets in their parents' basements. During a call with investors, Sean Rogan of Realistic Asset Management said he's confident a few of them are working on something that will change the world in ways we can't even fathom. "We see this with every generation, frankly," he said. "Ten years from now, one of these kids is going to be the next Bill Gates. It makes me excited to be an investor."
U.S. oil fields pumped more than 9 million barrels of crude Monday, near the highest level since Richard Nixon was president. Economists surveyed by Bloomberg unanimously agreed that this was "pretty awesome."
The Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 480 points on Monday. "Huh," Peterson said. "I hadn't heard."
Long-term investors finished Monday one day closer to their goals.
Analysts expect the news to be no different tomorrow.
*This article is fake, but it shouldn't have to be.