Please ensure Javascript is enabled for purposes of website accessibility

Ask Mrs. Riches: Dear Old Dad

By Elizabeth Brokamp – Updated Mar 7, 2017 at 2:47PM

You’re reading a free article with opinions that may differ from The Motley Fool’s Premium Investing Services. Become a Motley Fool member today to get instant access to our top analyst recommendations, in-depth research, investing resources, and more. Learn More

What to do when Dad rolls his eyes at your financial choices.

Dear Mrs. Riches:
I adore my dad, but my husband is less-than-enthusiastic about his involvement in our lives. Why, you ask? Because my dad has a way of second-guessing every financial decision we make, whether it's what kind of washer we purchased ("Whirlpool? You should have stuck with Kenmore!), how much we spent on our house ("Highway robbery!"), or even how we choose to spend our leisure time ("$8 per movie ticket? Renting is just as good.").

I see my husband's point. He is tired of having to hear that every move we make is foolish, especially from an old guy who's barely saved anything for retirement. But I also think that this is just my dad's way of relating to us (albeit an annoying one). I don't want to hurt Dad's feelings, nor do I want to hear from my husband about how obnoxious my dad is. Words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
-- Daddy's Girl

Dear Daddy's Girl:
You call yourself "Daddy's Girl," and not your husband's wife? Indulge me while I take a closer look at your choice of words. (Pesky little things sometimes speak volumes about how we really feel.) Your words seem to say that you really still are your daddy's girl first. When you talk about your dad, you discuss his feelings; it matters to you whether he is hurt. By contrast, when you mention your husband, you sound more inconvenienced by his feelings than sympathetic to them. You don't seem to care much about whether he feels hurt or rejected or alienated by the mountain of criticism lobbed at him by your dad. You don't "want to hear" it.

You should also remember that while for you, money gripes could be a very familiar topic and a common way of relating with your dad, your husband was likely raised differently. Perhaps in his family of origin, no one would dream of questioning someone else's choices with regard to money. In many families, financial topics are intensely private matters -- not for general discourse.

So take the possibility that your husband was raised to talk differently (or not at all) about money, add the fact that your dad is aiming where it hurts (and being disrespectful to your husband in the process), and toss in the part where you're lacking in empathy, and you're left with a big marital problem, not an annoyance.

I would suggest that you start by taking the situation seriously, recognizing that you need to shift your primary allegiance to your husband. This does not mean that you love your dad less or that you have to side with your husband in every possible conflict. It does mean that you have to afford him the respect that your dad has not. You also need to let your dad know directly that enough is enough, drawing a boundary around the sensitive topic of money. If you do that, your father will learn that he can't take potshots at your spouse without also damaging his relationship with you.

Need more advice for handling your worst money fights? Try:

Fool contributor Elizabeth Brokamp is a licensed professional counselor who regularly talks money with her honey, Robert Brokamp, editor of The Motley Fool's Rule Your Retirement newsletter.

None

Invest Smarter with The Motley Fool

Join Over 1 Million Premium Members Receiving…

  • New Stock Picks Each Month
  • Detailed Analysis of Companies
  • Model Portfolios
  • Live Streaming During Market Hours
  • And Much More
Get Started Now

Related Articles

Motley Fool Returns

Motley Fool Stock Advisor

Market-beating stocks from our award-winning analyst team.

Stock Advisor Returns
339%
 
S&P 500 Returns
109%

Calculated by average return of all stock recommendations since inception of the Stock Advisor service in February of 2002. Returns as of 09/24/2022.

Discounted offers are only available to new members. Stock Advisor list price is $199 per year.

Premium Investing Services

Invest better with The Motley Fool. Get stock recommendations, portfolio guidance, and more from The Motley Fool's premium services.