Everyone seems to have an opinion -- good, bad, or ugly -- on the "25 Random Things About Me" viral phenomena that is sweeping through Facebook. Millions have apparently poured out their hearts in the meme's exercise.
Is it cathartic or narcissistic? Is it the ultimate icebreaker or time waster? Who cares? Those who enjoy it are doing it, and now it's time for Wall Street to give it a crack.
1. The "buy low, sell high" mantra is pointless as long as companies keep talking their earnings guidance lower.
2. The TARP is a disastrous joke. They are taking your money, betting it on the slowest horses, and making them slower by saddling them with fat jockeys. Rip up those tickets now. They're worthless.
3. Folks continue to pile into money market funds as a safe harbor, even as the average yields approach the rounding error of storing that money under their mattresses.
4. How ironic is it that dot-com survivor drugstore.com (NASDAQ:DSCM) posts a fourth-quarter profit -- and its first year of positive free cash flow since going public 10 years ago -- as things are going batty elsewhere.
5. Are you kidding me? Kellogg (NYSE:K) boots Michael Phelps for being a bad influence? That's ironic, coming from a company that sells sugar-coated flakes to kids and calls them "grrrr-eat!"
6. The Senate added a $15,000 homebuyer tax credit to the stimulus bill last week. Is it just me, or is the artificial inflation of real estate what got us into this mess in the first place?
7. More to the point, I have a modest proposal. Eat the homebuilders. Why wag the demand tail when the supply head still doesn't get it? Force a moratorium on new construction that is not under contract for a year or two. The developers will hate it, but it's in their best long-term interest.
8. That last point is a Swift-esque joke, but there's some merit to the jab. We still have years of excess inventory to work through, created by failed condo flippers and leveraged owners of several vacant properties. Houses have become like Beanie Babies, with everybody dumping their collections at any price.
9. Any chance that President Obama can get a tax preparation specialist on retainer for his cabinet appointments? Talk about setting a bad example for impressionable youth, a la Phelps.
10. The inner optimist in me is wondering if all of these layoffs and corporate overhead cuts will pay off amazingly when the economy turns around. It's going to be the mother of all fiscal slingshots.
11. Regulators closed Alliance Bank on Friday. It is the eighth bank failure this year. Did I mention that we're only in early February?
12. What's the deal with this "bad bank" business? There has to be a better term, because clearly we already have plenty of bad banks. Just perform a TARP roll call.
13. I'm as patriotic as the next guy, but now isn't the time for "buy American" stimulus provisions. Jingoism goes both ways. Forget about ticking off 95% of the world's population. Protectionism is noble in theory, but how much do you think cash-strapped citizens can afford to pay -- and resource-strapped suppliers can afford to sell -- these days?
14. What's a bigger threat to the economy right now: another major bank failure or the complete collapse of McDonald's (NYSE:MCD)? You kidnap Ronald McDonald. I'll work on the ransom note.
15. If a prime number is a natural digit that can only be divided by one and itself, is the subprime fiasco a natural act, divisible by zeroes? And by zeroes, I mean the aggressive mortgage brokers who got us into this mess.
16. Bulls? Bears? It's no wonder that outsiders think investors behave like animals.
17. I don't know if Sirius XM Radio (NASDAQ:SIRI) will file for bankruptcy protection this year. I am not a creditor. However, it would be a colossal mistake for a consumer-facing service provider with roughly 19 million subscribers to go into Chapter 11 reorganization. Listeners who aren't financially savvy may bail, fearing that it is going out of business. I don't trust Howard Stern to enlighten his audience on the differences between Chapter 7 and Chapter 11.
18. Can anyone seriously make an argument in which Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) will be more relevant in five years than it is now?
19. Apple's (NASDAQ:AAPL) Mac computer turned 25 last month. Really? It doesn't look a day over QWERTY.
20. I get gold as an inflation hedge. It probably was a motivational factor during this summer's Olympic Games in Beijing. It's a pity that jewelers are getting slammed, though.
21. Speaking of the Olympics, maybe the recession should take a hint from Chinese gymnasts and lie about its age.
22. Speaking of Beijing, I'm bullish on China. I don't get why someone would ignore the world's most populous nation, one that is still early in its growth cycle, and one where the economy is holding up relatively better than the rest of the planet. Sure, I'm skeptical of China's government, but how can one resist a fast-growing, high-margin new media star like Sohu.com (NASDAQ:SOHU), trading at just 10 times forward earnings?
23. I have some new suggestions for Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs series on gross-out employment. Let's start with John Thain's interior designer. Then we can turn to corporate event planners for the banking industry, Florida condo developers, and swanky coffee-bar baristas.
24. Because Apple and McDonald's are two of the few companies doing well these days, maybe they should get together and market a Big Big Mac or a Big Mac Mac.
25. Why stop at 25 random things when so much in the market is random?
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