With a tip of the jester's cap to Charlie Rose, Larry King, and Katie Couric, I recently had the opportunity to conduct a deep, thoughtful interview with one of America's cultural icons. What follows are excerpts from our face to ... well, face. 

  • Cheddar, Muenster, Gouda, Swiss, string cheese, grilled cheese, mac & cheese ... it's all good. I mean, it's all good.
  • Did I think about joining DreamWorks Animation? Look, Jeff Katzenberg's a great guy to work with and a longtime friend. A friend calls you up to talk business, you gotta take the call. That's just being polite.
  • It's been 80 years with Minnie and I've loved them all. Find a girl who makes you laugh and the rest is all small potatoes.
  • I've been a Disney (NYSE:DIS) shareholder since the company went public. Let's just say that's worked out well for me and my family.
  • Patience is a virtue, but sometimes it's hard to come by. Especially when the stock market tanks. That's when I double up on yoga. Deep breathing helps in most situations.
  • Warren Buffett said, "It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently." That's why you don't see photos of me doing stupid stuff in public. You wanna act stupid? At least be smart about it and do it in the privacy of your own home.
  • Donald Duck and I have had our dust-ups, but I'll say this for the guy: He's a pro. When he comes to work, he's ready to work.
  • But there's only so much of that damned voice I can take.
  • The Internet has made us smarter, but the rumors just get dumber and dumber. Most of these lawsuits with my name attached are completely made up. You think I'm gonna sue Apple over the application of the computer mouse? That doesn't even make sense.
  • Let me say this for what is hopefully the last time: Goofy is my friend, Pluto is my dog -- not the other way around.
  • When it comes to Disneyworld and Disneyland, the main difference for me is this: Orlando has pro basketball and Anaheim has pro baseball.
  • That said, nothing beats college basketball. When March Madness rolls around I do the same thing every year. I call up my good friend Steve Wynn, reserve a fabulous room in one of his Vegas properties and hit the sports book for a few days.
  • My dumbest investment was easily JetBlue. I should have listened to Buffett on that one. Historically, the airline industry is just not a great place for your money.
  • My smartest investment? Other than Disney? Heck, that's easy ... Marvel Entertainment. Like the guy says, invest in what you know. And if it's one thing I know, it's the cartoon world.
  • All those superheroes are good guys, but if I had to pick just one to babysit my grandkids it'd be the Hulk. Don't let the green skin and destructive rampaging fool you. The guy has a heart of gold.
  • Just don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
  • From the Great Depression to Black Monday to the dot-com bubble, I've seen it all. We'll get through this one, too, so hang in there.
  • Deep breathing, remember?

Lighten up, Fool, this is satire! We're here to educate, enrich ... and amuse.

Chris Hill owns shares of Marvel. Mr. Mouse owns shares of Disney and Marvel. Apple, Marvel, and Disney are Motley Fool Stock Advisor recommendations. Disney is also an Inside Value pick. The Motley Fool has a disclosure policy that is anything but cheesy.