Editor's note: The Motley Fool cannot vouch for the sanity of guest writer and community member Dan Rubin (BroadwayDan), but we hope you get a laugh out of his column.
Gosh, I just love driving my five-year-old daughter to Disneyland. Especially when she's being really impatient. And she keeps asking me the same question, over and over and over again. "Are we there yet, dad? Are we there yet, dad? Are we there yet, dad?" Man, that's just the greatest.
Nothing helps ease the pain of being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic like a rapid-fire burst of the exact same question, over and over and over again. I just thank goodness that during this ferocious bear market, the folks at CNBC, like my daughter, realize the value of this terrific stress-reduction technique.
Because, let's face it, when you get right down to it, every time CNBC drags out some Herman J. Dingus Professor of Massive Economic Genius and asks him to use his infinite wisdom to decipher the meaning of the latest reports on new home sales, consumer sentiment, or the sudden rise in the length of Alan Greenspan's nostril hairs, all they're really asking, over and over and over again, is "have we hit bottom yet?" And this upsets me. Because it's boring.
You see, I'm just like those girls Cyndi Lauper once sang so movingly about. I just want to have fun. And constantly praying for the bear market to end is just not fun. So CNBC needs to do the same thing I do on those rare occasions when I manage to shift into excellent father mode while my daughter is demanding that I either magically beam the car into Disneyland or lose her love forever. I distract her by singing Pooh songs, playing "I Spy," and making fun of my wife's gorilla-like snoring. Likewise, CNBC needs to have a lot more fun with their programming.
To help out with this noble cause, I took the liberty of thinking up some shows that I think would be highly entertaining and 100% free of robotic bottom watching. I even went the extra mile and wrote up the TV Guide blurbs for you, as well:
Wiggin' Out with Joe Kernen
Set your dial to satire as America's favorite faux-haired money man, Joe Kernen, wallops the worst wigs on Wall Street. Heads up, corporate chrome domes: Officer Joe's been tipped off to your cockamamie comb-overs and delinquent dye jobs, and the hair police got you busted. The fun is weaved into every strand of this one. Yowch!
The Perk Tub!
Join our incorrigible trio of hosts, Gary Winnick, Ken Lay, and Dennis Kozlowski, as they show off their most egregiously excessive perks, live and in person... from a big hot tub. A big solid gold hot tub, that is. From umbrella holders to pinky-toe warmers, you'll be amazed at the really weird things that corrupt CEOs are spending your 401(k) money on. The only bubbles bursting here are bubbles of hilarity.
One-on-One With Larry Kudlow
Larry Kudlow goes one on one with... Larry Kudlow! Watch Larry ask Larry the hard-hitting questions that only Larry has the guts and the massive God-like knowledge to answer. Both sides are always right on this one, because both sides are always Larry. If you're like Larry, then you can't get enough of Larry. Luckily, this double-shot of Larry is just what the doctor ordered.
Hungry, Hungry Harvey
Wouldn't it be great to eat lunch at a hot new Wall Street location with none other than SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt? What? OK, OK. Settle down. I know it would be excruciating. But before you mail me any dead cats or rotten vegetables, let me explain. I couldn't stomach watching this porky longbeard maul a triple cheeseburger, either. But look at the upside. If he's hosting his own TV show, he might be a lot more likely to quit the SEC and let someone who actually cares about reforming the system take over.
The Full Maria
Oh, yes, I do mean like The Full Monty. Now Maria Bartiromo can just go right ahead and fumble every big word that rolls across her teleprompter. Who cares? She's naked. Guys that just can't get enough of Maria's patented sex kitten-chats-it-up-with-grampa moneybags routine are sure to get a major rise out of this one. And just to be fair, we'll throw in a naked Joe Kernen, for the ladies... although something tells me that'll send people clicking faster than, well, than usual when he's on the air. Sorry, gals, we'll have to hire Hugh Grant to call it even. He'll host Take This for Granted.
You see where I'm going with this, Fools? So what if our pension funds are down by 40%, and we're going to have to churn hot dogs at Costco until we're 112. We can still have fun. What I love so much about kids is how quickly they can shift from screaming with rage to screaming with joy. Wouldn't this be a great skill for us to develop during this bear market? Surely there's something more fun to think about than whether we've officially hit bottom.
Daniel Joshua Rubin is a playwright, ex-hack TV writer, and current VP of sales and marketing for a food and beverage services company. He deeply regrets that he was unable to work in a joke about Kudlow and Cramer's total inability to tap fists without looking like a pair of drunken chimps in desperate need of Lasik surgery.