Somehow, you managed to make it to this side of the financial crisis with some of your retirement savings still intact. I'm glad to hear that, because now I'm going to help you lose the rest of it quickly and easily.

Lately, I've been recommending large-cap companies like Intel (Nasdaq: INTC) and Abbott Labs (NYSE: ABT) -- high-quality companies that produce gobs of profit and cash flow, pay their investors through dividends, and are currently trading at attractive valuations. What was I thinking?

I live in Las Vegas, so I know the score. People don't want to invest in boring old dividend-paying companies that will help them grow their wealth over time. They want time-tested, predictable ways to lose money like slot machines and roulette. And since I write for the masses, not the man, I'm finally going to bring you what you really want.

So here are three ways that I believe can almost guarantee that you will lose most or all of the money that you have available to invest (and then some!).

1. Look for companies without SEC filings.
I thumb my nose at the Securities and Exchange Commission and everything it stands for. Therefore, I recognize that one of the best way to find companies that will reliably lose me money are those that don't even file with the SEC.

On June 3, the stocks of American Pacific Rim Commerce Group and Anywhere MD saw volume of 343,000 and 59,000, respectively. But what do you find if you search the SEC website looking for current financial or business information? Bupkis.

Just the way I like it.

2. The company doesn't have any revenue.
Revenue is for wimps, and it often means that the company in question has a real business. Investors serious about losing money need to insist that their companies have no revenue whatsoever.

Go Solar USA is a perfect example. In its 10-K filed in May (yes, they violate rule No. 1), the company assures us that it "does not currently sell any products or services." And, sure enough, when we turn to the financial statements there's not a penny of revenue to be found.

3. The stock is the subject of campaigns by penny-stock websites.
In the fall of last year, United States Oil & Gas was heavily promoted by the website The Stock Wizards. Since The Stock Wizards was paid $10,000 to hype the stock, you know that your best interests were their first priority!

Or how about Solar Park Initiatives? It was hyped by a number of websites owned by BlueWave Advisors. Who knows how much BlueWave pocketed in total for its Solar Park push, but at one point it was paid $50,000 for its services.

Investing on the back of those kinds of "recommendations" seems like a surefire way to end up a loser.

Stymied!
Unfortunately, enforcement director Robert Khuzami and his SEC cohorts have halted trading in all of the stocks that I just mentioned -- along with 12 other microcap stocks.

On the bright side, there are plenty of other terrible, terrible stocks out there. So you can still take the three simple steps I've outlined above and squander as much of your hard-earned money as you like. Or you can invest in real companies. But what fun is that?

The Motley Fool owns shares of Abbott Laboratories. The Fool owns shares of and has bought calls on Intel. Motley Fool newsletter services have recommended buying shares of Intel and Abbott Laboratories. Motley Fool newsletter services have recommended creating a diagonal call position in Intel. Try any of our Foolish newsletter services free for 30 days. We Fools may not all hold the same opinions, but we all believe that considering a diverse range of insights makes us better investors.

Fool contributor Matt Koppenheffer owns shares of Abbott Laboratories and Intel, but does not have a financial interest in any of the other companies mentioned. You can check out what Matt is keeping an eye on by visiting his CAPS portfolio, or you can follow Matt on Twitter @KoppTheFool or Facebook. The Fool's disclosure policy prefers dividends over a sharp stick in the eye.