Sometimes, people just aren't doing the jobs they should be doing. No worries -- I'm here to help. Here are some of my suggestions:
Bernanke should run Wal-Mart
Sure, Wal-Mart's (NYSE:WMT) actually doing quite well in this economy. But Big Ben can fix that in a jiffy. As soon as he takes over, he'll kick "rollback savings" into overdrive. That $525 flatscreen TV that Wal-Mart now lists for $500? Pish posh. Try $400. Next week, $300. Give him a year, and it'll be down to a dollar.
Think you've got him cornered once Wal-Mart's a dollar store? Wrong. Wait for the introduction of "Wal-Mart Bucks" -- get those printing presses ready!
Britney Spears should run Blockbuster
Sure, she has no business experience. But like Blockbuster (NYSE:BBI), she has loads of experience peaking in the 90's and then slowly fading into oblivion.
OK, it's not the best idea ever, but my celebrity backups were Paris Hilton actually running Hilton, and Oprah buying Barnes & Noble.
Viacom should run the Big Three
Why should Viacom's (NYSE:VIA) MTV run GM (NYSE:GM), Ford (NYSE:F), and Chrysler? Picture it: Real World: Detroit!
We follow the Big Three CEOs on their next road trip to Washington. Drama ensues as the Motor City divas decide that the irony of driving three separate hybrids is preferable to compromising on one car. But don't worry: All ends well when a dumbfounded Bob Nardelli breaks the tension by asking Rick Wagoner, "We don't actually make hybrids, do we?"
End scene. Fade to red.
Obama should run Sirius XM
President-elect Obama ran on change and hope. Sirius XM (NASDAQ:SIRI) is trading for change, and its shareholders know all about hope.
As a bonus, maybe he could throw some bailout money their way. What's a measly $3.4 billion to wipe out Sirius' debt, compared to $8.6 trillion?
Any former Wall Streeter should run Starbucks
The first order of business? Allow investors to swap a share of the single-digit-priced Starbucks (NASDAQ:SBUX) stock for a cup of coffee of their choice. This would provide a $4 floor for shares.
Next, we securitize the underlying coffees and divide them into various tranches. Feeling good about the price of a latte versus the falling macchiato? You can just buy the latte tranche. Only interested in the cream? Done. And for those of you with higher risk tolerances, you can invest in decaf -- the subprime market of the coffee world.
In case Bernanke and Britney have humorless lawyers, the above was satire.
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