11 Funny Warren Buffett Quotes That Will Change the Way You Invest

Warren Buffett is outspoken about investing in the very best way. He loves sharing his immense investing knowledge. And he has a knack for packaging up complex concepts into sometimes goofy, always memorable quips.

A deep dive into the history of Buffett quotes can be both engaging and instructive. You can learn volumes about investing, plus a bit about human nature -- and have a few laughs along the way.

Read on for 11 funny Buffett quotes that'll make you a better investor.

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"Avoiding the dumb things is the most important. Learn more, know limitations, avoid the dumb things."

Avoid dumb things and all should be well with your portfolio. It's so obvious, right?

Buffett has made mistakes as an investor, and you will, too. The point here is not to avoid all mistakes -- it's to avoid the obvious ones. You can do that by establishing some discipline in your investing approach.

Discipline starts with defining what you want to accomplish and how you'll get there. Document what makes a company investable for you. Create a process to support those requirements. When you make mistakes, debrief yourself so you can implement what you've learned.

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"We have long felt that the only value of stock forecasters is to make fortune-tellers look good."

In Buffett's view, it's impossible to predict how a stock will move in the short term. That means stocks forecasters are practicing guesswork -- which can be a dangerous thing if you respond to those predictions as fact.

Even so, as an individual investor, it's hard to ignore the endless stream of analyst commentary telling you which way the market or an individual stock is going. What you can do is take steps to avoid overweighting predictions in your decision making. Do that by checking your expectations before every trade.

Here are a few questions to consider: Why are you buying the stock? What do you expect to happen and under what timeline? What if the opposite happens? If you're not comfortable with unexpected outcomes, the trade probably isn't right for you.

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"Indeed, a patient and level-headed monkey, who constructs a portfolio by throwing 50 darts at a board listing all of the S&P 500, will -- over time -- enjoy dividends and capital gains, just as long as it never gets tempted to make changes in its original selections."

Buffett's investing monkey picks stocks at random and makes money doing it. How is that possible? To start, the monkey only considers S&P 500 stocks, which represent the largest and most successful publicly traded companies in the U.S. The second key to the monkey's success is a long holding period.

Buffett is bullish on the American economy long term. His experience of investing over the past 80 years has shown him that, over time, good companies will generate shareholder value -- despite any shorter, temporary periods of negative returns.

"I try to buy stock in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will."

In a literal sense, Buffett is advising not to bet too heavily on a company's leadership team because leaders come and go. You can also take the broader view that investable companies aren't reliant on any one circumstance -- be it the leader, the success in a particular market, or customer response to a new product.

Wonderful businesses are those that can still create value under less-than-ideal conditions. These are usually companies with momentum, strong balance sheets, loyal customers, strong brands, and the proven ability to generate profits in good and bad economies.

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"It's like oxygen, you know? It's there all the time. But if it disappears for a few minutes, it's all over."

Buffett compared cash to oxygen during the Berkshire Hathaway 2022 shareholders meeting. As he explained, cash is a critical part of the business strategy at Berkshire. It holds cash to protect it and its subsidiary companies against unforeseen circumstances.

You can apply the same concept to your personal finances. Ample cash savings protects you and your investment account against life's worst financial surprises -- job loss, health issues, and natural disasters. The cash acts as your first line of defense when these emergencies arise. With that line of defense in place, more of your invested funds can stay invested -- which is the key to building wealth over time.

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"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago."

Buffett has been investing since he was 11 years old, which was 80 years ago. He's seen his share of stock market turbulence. But he's also watched that turbulence give way to wealth-building growth, time and time again.

The trick to accessing that wealth-building growth is a long-term mindset. Accept that your wealth journey may take decades. Settle in, be patient, and keep planting those seeds. Your tree will grow in time and then you'll be the one relaxing in the shade.

"Whether we're talking about socks or stocks, I like buying quality merchandise when it is marked down."

You have to love that one of the world's richest men is a bargain hunter.

Buffett is a value investor -- meaning he buys stocks when they're trading for less than their true value.

To do this, Buffett must see potential where others do not. Sometimes, he finds that potential in boring, mature companies that other investors overlook. And other times, he finds potential in down markets -- when the share prices of good companies fall.

He demonstrated the latter strategy in the first quarter of 2022. Lower prices on Apple prompted Buffett to pick up an additional 3.7 million shares of the iPhone maker. Buffett's long-term confidence in Apple is unshaken by the market's (temporarily) negative attitude on tech stocks.

"Only when the tide goes out do you discover who is swimming naked."

Risk is an interesting thing for investors. When the market's hot, you can take risks and be rewarded for your boldness. But when the investing climate changes -- and the tide goes out -- your riskiest moves can be your most regrettable decisions.

To avoid getting caught swimming naked, evaluate your risk objectively when your investments are doing well. Consider how you might fare if circumstances changed for the worse. If that thought process makes you nervous, you might adjust your risk accordingly. Unless you're great at timing the market (which no one is), you should be comfortable with your risk level in good times and in bad.

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"I've never swung at a ball while it's still in the pitcher's glove."

Buffett does not invest heavily in startups. While Berkshire Hathaway does have an investment in Brazilian fintech company Nubank, Buffett prefers established companies with proven track records.

This approach doesn't rely on predicting "the next big thing" or making big bets on uncertain outcomes. Buffett swings when he can see and understand the business model. As an example, he famously passed on the IPO of Google, the Alphabet subsidiary. In those early days, Buffett wasn't certain about the future of competition for Google -- if there would be competitors and how Google would fare against them.

Buffett could have made billions for Berkshire shareholders by investing in Google. But even with that misstep, he's one of the world's richest men and most successful investors. It's easy to argue that his preference for maturity has served him well.

"You should invest like a Catholic marries -- for life."

Buffett invests for the long term. When he identifies a company he likes, his intention is to be an owner forever.

Committing to your stocks long term has its advantages. For one, a long holding period minimizes your exposure to short-term market fluctuations. If the market goes sideways, you simply wait for a recovery. After all, waiting aligns perfectly with the plan to hold indefinitely.

Also, you can implement the long-term approach while being clueless about what will happen in the market tomorrow. Your profits don't rely on current events. They rely on growth over decades, which you can only access by waiting for them to materialize.

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"The most important thing to do if you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging."

Buffett likes his long holding periods, but he knows that's not always realistic. A company's ability to generate shareholder value can change for the worse. Or, your understanding of a business can evolve.

If your opinion on a stock changes for the worse in a permanent way, cut the ties and move on to the next great company. That's how you stop digging the figurative hole.

In the first quarter of 2022, Buffett divested 100% of his ownership in three companies: Bristol-Myers Squibb, Abbvie, and Wells Fargo. Buffett hasn't explained these moves publicly, but he doesn't make rash decisions. The three stocks no longer fit his investing parameters -- so he's divorced them.

ALSO READ: Warren Buffett Just Sold This Popular Stock -- Should You?

There is simplicity in Buffett's investing approach -- simplicity you can copy with any level of investing experience. He buys quality companies at good prices, holds them until something changes, and watches growth happen in time.

Your own investing practice doesn't need to be more complicated than that. The focus on quality, value, and time has made money for Buffett, and it can do the same for you.

Wells Fargo is an advertising partner of The Ascent, a Motley Fool company. Suzanne Frey, an executive at Alphabet, is a member of The Motley Fool’s board of directors. Catherine Brock has no position in any of the stocks mentioned. The Motley Fool has positions in and recommends Alphabet (A shares), Alphabet (C shares), Apple, and Bristol Myers Squibb. The Motley Fool recommends the following options: long March 2023 $120 calls on Apple and short March 2023 $130 calls on Apple. The Motley Fool has a disclosure policy.